Benjamin Thornton's Nine Inch Column

A Modern Monarchist Winces At The Royal Wedding

2011-04-19T09:39:00.003-04:00

Surely the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton is an occasion to be celebrated: a joyful, unifying celebration of a future king's happiness, a display of splendour to lift the spirits of nations in troubling times, a good-news story for a royal family that could use one.

Surely, that is, unless you consider yourself a monarchist.

The reality is that the wedding is another lightning rod drawing the attention of those who would rather do away with the monarchy. Every story speculating on the bride's gown or hairdo, or the star-studded guest list, or any other bit of marital minutiae - the staples of tabloids and mainstream media alike these days - becomes ammunition for those who find the monarchy extravagant, outdated, and undemocratic, and the royal family itself unfairly privileged and out of touch with the lives of ordinary people.

For those who feel that way - that is, those who believe that a hereditary monarchy is an anachronism incompatible with modern democratic principles - I'm more likely to receive a Christmas card from Christopher Hitchens than to convince you otherwise. The argument is not without significant merit. Such significance, in fact, that I will concede that if I were forming a new country, I wouldn't establish a monarchy (unless I could be king, mind you).

So why have a Canadian monarchy? Perhaps because we might like whatever would replace it less. What about an elected governor general? One could imagine that (certainly not a president - too American). But could one as easily imagine a partisan Liberal or Conservative GG? Aye, there's the rub. One of the chief strengths of the Canadian Crown (and it is a Canadian Crown - the Queen of Canada is legally distinct from the Queen of the United Kingdom; they just happen to share the same taste in hats) is its impartiality. The Queen, and her viceroys, represent the Canadian state, and not a political party. In practice, this means that the Crown can lend support to worthy institutions, or honour worthy citizens, or recognize military personnel without the suggestion of partisanship.

But does having an unelected sovereign make us undemocratic? No. Canada is as democratic as they come (the occasional contempt of Parliament notwithstanding). Any Canadian can aspire to be prime minister or, in fact, any other office in the land. The only job we can't have is king or queen. But we're all in the exact same boat. Or to put it another way, the monarchy is so undemocratic that it becomes democratic. There are roughly 34 million Canadians who can never be king or queen. It's out of our hands, leaving us to concentrate on the business of democratically running our country and determining our collective future.

Democracy has its own national flavours. Consider the republics born of the two great revolutions, the United States and France. There are more foreign-born American citizens who can never be president than there are Canadians who can't be the sovereign. And the French don't grant automatic citizenship to children born in France to immigrants. These arbitrary limits on the rights of citizens are contrary to the Canadian experience, but fit the democracies of those countries.

But is the universality of our inability to succeed to the throne enough to discount the privilege history has granted the House of Windsor? If not us, why them? There's no obviously good answer except historical tradition. One might define historical tradition as what people learn to live with after wars or colonizations. National languages, domestic and international borders, and political structures are good examples. And traditions are not intended to be changed lightly. Or easily. In Canada, the monarchy has been part of our national tradition from the first day of confederation. A separation of Canada from the monarchy would require a substantial change to the constitution, and although constitutional debate and self-determination are Canadian traditions as well, constitutional consensus is not.

What about the cost of the monarchy? It would probably be a wash - the $1.53 per capita Canadians spend annually on the monarchy (according to the Monarchist League of Canada)would likely be spent on whatever we came up with to replace it. The "show" of statehood must go on. And the extravagance of the wedding? The royal family is paying for it, and well, if we're going to go after everyone who inherited money from less-than-perfect ancestors, we'll be at it all day.

As for me, I don't plan to watch the royal wedding, although I'm sure I'll catch the highlights. It's not my cup of tea. I'm a monarchist, not a "royal watcher". The only portraits I have of the Queen are on my money, not collectors' plates. I wish the good prince and his bride well in their marriage, and hope that when the time comes, their Canadian crowns are waiting for them.

In the meantime, since even the most vocal republicans don't see pushing for any change until after Elizabeth II's reign is over, God save the Queen.

A Blade Runner Christmas

2009-12-09T09:59:00.002-05:00

Just to take the edge of all that holiday cheer, the Nine Inch Column offers something a little more dystopian. And so, with apologies to Philip K. Dick (and his Voight-Kampff machine) I offer something from my personal ShoHu archives.

A BLADE RUNNER CHRISTMAS

Or, Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sugarplums?

The North Pole, December 2019

Santa Claus stands alone in a small room, smoking a pipe. A table and chair are the room's only furnishings. There is a plate of cookies and a pitcher of milk with two upturned glasses on the table.

Intercom: Next subject, Von Happykringle, Leon. Elf, Sleigh-packing, file section: new helpers, six days.

Santa: [Hears knock on the door] Come in. [Pause] Sit down.
[Leon comes in]

Leon: Care if I talk? I'm kind of nervous when I take tests.

Santa: Uh, just please don't move.

Leon: Oh, sorry. I had an IQ test this year. I don't think I've ever had one of these.

Santa: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.

Leon: Sure.

Santa: One-One-Eight-Seven Candy Cane Lane.

Leon: That's in the elf district.

Santa: What?

Leon: Where I live.

Santa: Nice place?

Leon: Yeah, sure, I guess - that part of the test?

Santa: No, just warming you up, that's all.

Leon: Oh. It's not fancy or anything.

Santa: You're at the Pole, walking along in the snow when all of a sudden...

Leon: [Interrupting Santa] Which one?

Santa: What?

Leon: Which Pole?

Santa: It doesn't make any difference which Pole. It's completely hypothetical.

Leon: But how come I'd be there?

Santa: Maybe you're fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Who knows? You look down and you see a penguin, Leon. It's waddling toward you.

Leon: Penguin, what's that?

Santa: Sort of a black and white turkey. They don't fly, but they swim.

Leon: I've never seen a penguin. [Pause] But I understand what you mean.

Santa: You reach down and knock the penguin over, Leon.

Leon: Do you make up these questions, Santa, or do they write them down for you?

Santa: The penguin lays on it's back, flapping it's silly flightless wings, waving it's little feet, but it can't get back up without your help. But you're not helping.

Leon: What do you mean I'm not helping?

Santa: I mean, you're not helping. Why is that, Leon? [Pause] They're just questions, Leon. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. [Pause] Shall we continue? [Leon nods] Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about....Christmas.

Leon: Christmas?

Santa: Yeah.

Leon: Let me tell you about Christmas...

[A shot is fired]

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-11T22:55:00.002-04:00

A little something from English poet Philip Larkin (1922-1985) in time for Mother's Day:

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Sideways

2008-01-29T22:47:00.000-05:00

From time to time, the Nine Inch Column feels compelled to acknowledge true genius. This time it's a new marketing campaign. Advertising, when done well, can be an art form full of nuance, intelligence, courage and humour.

Your humble scribe passed a billboard today advertising New Diamond Shreddies. Evidently the campaign has run for a while in the States, but it's the first time I've seen it here.

If you haven't figured it out, they rotated a square Shreddie 45 degrees. What'll they think of next?

Nine Inch Column Lassos the Moon

2007-12-24T07:35:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you, faithful readers, but your humble scribe's been watching little else than Christmas specials for the past two weeks. The piece de resistance of this genre is undoubtedly Frank Capra's It's A Wonderful Life.

Now, in a wonderful bit of post-modern convergence, the Nine Inch Column has come across this article suggesting that perhaps what the Bailey Brothers Building & Loan was selling were sub-prime mortgages.

Perhaps, but as a friend of the Column pointed out, George Bailey wouldn't double the interest rate after the third year.

Merry Christmas.

Hallowe'en Links

2007-10-30T23:16:00.000-04:00

For your consideration, a pretty good selection of Hallowe'en pranks courtesy of zug.com, and a prank I fell victim to at funnyjunk.com.

Also, a picture of the much-heralded necktie formerly owned by Ian Hanomansing (photo by the publisher of the Mississauga News Mr. Ron Lenyk).

Have a very Nine Inch Hallowe'en.

Don't Be A Loser

2007-09-26T09:11:00.000-04:00

Rest easy, faithful readers. Your humble scribe has heard your pleas. "It's election time," you say. "We need guidance," you say. "What would the Nine Inch Column do?" you ask. (Merchandising note: RFPs have gone out for WWNICD bracelets)

Well, those of my readers in Mississauga might have seen my guest column in today's Mississauga News offering thoughts on the referendum on proposed electoral reform. For those who didn't see it, here it is (although the editor changed my title from the much more fitting and provocative Proportional representation is for losers):

Election reform is not needed
by Benjamin Thornton

September 25, 2007 - The provincial election ballot offers us a little extra this time around — a referendum on electoral reform. To be precise, it offers a choice between the existing "first-past-the-post" system, and a proposed mixed-member proportional (MMP) system, which calls for some MPPs to be elected from a smaller number of geographically defined ridings, and others to be appointed from pre-determined lists according to the province-wide breakdown of the popular vote among political parties.

On the con side of the MMP debate, the arguments are essentially as follows: the new system would turn its back on centuries of parliamentary tradition by no longer tying all elected members to a clearly (and non-politically affiliated) identifiable group of people. It might create two different classes of elected representatives — those elected at the riding level and those elected from the party lists. It might serve to solidify the primacy of the party system and limit the success of individuals or movements outside it. And it might undermine the productivity of the legislature (such as it is) by setting us up for perennially deadlocked minority and coalition governments, such as we see in some multi-partied European governments.

And on the other side of the ledger, the main argument in favour of MMP is that the will of the electorate will be more accurately reflected; in particular, that the minorities who vote for parties such as the Green Party or the NDP are denied fair representation in government because their candidates don't win.

Frankly, that's loser talk. It's sour grapes. But worse than that, it's misdirection that fails to recognize the nature of Canadian democracy. Elections are to democracy as weddings are to marriages: good beginnings, but not the ultimate measure of the relationship.

If the goal of a party is not merely to elect as many members as possible, but to affect public policy, surely it is understood that change is possible from without? Those who are elected are forced (by conscience or practicality) to take opposition views (or public opinion polls) into account, or risk not being re-elected. Representative democracy, even in our current system, is self-correcting. The number of seats a smaller party holds is a red herring: if it truly has the support or reflects the concerns of significant numbers of voters, it will eventually reach critical mass and get elected, or the other parties will adapt and poach its policies.

Either way, the voters ultimately win, and democracy is served.Idealistic? Perhaps. Naive? Perhaps. But perhaps it's the difference between a long- and short-term view. And perhaps if Canada didn't have a long tradition of new parties, breakaway parties, and successfully persuasive opposition parties, it might be necessary to re-examine political accessibility.

But if this is about the Greens, perhaps their time simply has not yet come. And if it's about the NDPs, perhaps their time has come and gone.

Democracy is about process, not results. So, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Or, if it ain't broke, don't break it.

Their footer identified me as president of the Mississauga Arts Council, which I had asked them not to do, only because that position has no bearing on my political views. C'est la vie. I only hope it doesn't muddy the debate.

Stay tuned for more unsolicited Nine Inch opinions.

Feeling Lucky

2007-08-31T14:11:00.000-04:00

For your perusal, faithful readers, a list of various prizes, contests, and sweepstakes I haven't won:

- 1248 consecutive major lottery prizes
- free gas for a year
- a full month of my credit card purchases
- the 2003 Dufferin-Peel Catholic School Board election
- the Stephen Leacock Medal for Humour
- a Toronto Book Award
- the undying envy of my peers

But perhaps that last one will change with the news of what I have recently won: a necktie worn on television by the CBC's Ian Hanomansing. By calling in once to the climate change-themed radio program Feeling the Heat, I evidently put my name in contention.

I haven't actually received the tie (or the book which made up the rest of the prize - its title escapes me, but I think it related to the environment rather than neckwear), but I am most anxious. What might it look like? Stripes? Paisley? A fish?

Needless to say, your humble scribe can be close to his mailbox for the next few days.

Give A Hoot

2007-07-31T19:19:00.000-04:00

Here's hoping all you faithful readers are having a pleasant summer. If you're looking for a few minutes' distraction, might we suggest "The Owl And The Man" -Pat Thornton's newest Comedy Network project. Regular viewers might remember his "Viewer Mail" segment last year where he pitched the concept. (You'll have to follow the link under "shorts".)

In any case, it aired last night during a break in The Colbert Report. High praise indeed.

One Hundred, Pilgrim

2007-05-26T08:41:00.001-04:00

Your humble scribe is particularly reflective today. It's an auspicious day, but not because it's Mother's Day in Poland, or National Sorry Day in Australia, or the Roman Catholic feast day of St. Augustine of Canterbury.

One hundred years ago today - in a small white house in Winterset, Iowa - Clyde and Mary Morrison gave birth to a boy they curiously named Marion. Those faithful readers who know their movie trivia will know that that boy grew up to be John "The Duke" Wayne.

All week, movie channels have been holding John Wayne retrospectives. And there are lots of movies to choose from; according to IMDB, the Duke holds the singular distinction of playing leading parts in more movies than any other actor: 142, to be exact. Not all live up to the iconic standards associated with John Wayne. One probably couldn't be criticized for missing Wayne's turn as Singin' Sandy Saunders (yes, a singing cowboy) in 1933's Riders of Destiny and even Duke connoisseurs sometimes scratch their heads at his decision to play Genghis Khan in 1956's The Conqueror.

But as a public service, the Nine Inch Column is prepared to suggest five (count them - five) John Wayne films worth seeing:

1. The Quiet Man (1952) Lest you think I've included this only because Wayne plays Sean Thornton, an Irish-born American ex-boxer returned to his homeland, note that I didn't include 1966's El Dorado in which he plays Cole Thornton. The first thing to know about The Quiet Man is not to panic: the Duke does not try to fake an Irish brogue. Practically a postcard from Ireland from director John Ford, the sprawling traveling fistfight between Duke and Victor McLaglen is the highlight of the film. Also look for a fiery Maureen O'Hara, a leprechaun-esque Barry Fitzgerald, and Ward Bond as the bombastic parish priest.

2. The Searchers (1956) Also directed by John Ford, the protagonist of this film, Ethan Edwards, was reportedly Wayne's personal favourite (he named a son Ethan). Darkly driven in a multi-year search for his niece who has been abducted by Comanches, Ethan's ultimate vengeance is tempered by Jeffrey Hunter (the original Captain of the Enterprise). Many subsequent filmmakers (George Lucas, David Lean, Sergio Leone) have taken inspiration from or paid homage to this classic which the U.S. Library of Congress has called "culturally significant."

3. The Cowboys (1972) When the men of his town all disappear in a gold rush, Duke hires on a team of schoolboys to drive his herd of cattle across 400 miles of open wilderness. Wayne is the gruff father-figure the youngsters (including Revenge of the Nerds' Robert Carradine and L.A. Law's and General Hospital's A Martinez) come to grudgingly love and respect. Roscoe Lee Browne is superlative as loquacious trail-cook Jebediah Nightlinger, and Bruce Dern as the bad guy commits the ultimate Hollywood sin.

4. Wake Of The Red Witch (1948) John Wayne is a cad of a South Seas ship's captain who double-crosses his employer for a cargo of gold: hardly the rugged beacon of American values you'd usually expect the Duke to represent, but that's what makes the movie so intriguing. Well, that and the performances by Luther Adler and Henry Daniell as sangfroid men of power. Of particular note to B-movie fans, supposedly the giant octopus Wayne fights was stolen and reused in Edward D. Wood, Jr.'s Bride of the Monster.

5. The Shootist (1976) John Wayne's last movie might as well be his epitaph, and an elegy to the Western itself. Set in 1903, at the close of the Wild West era, Duke is J.B. Books, an old gunfighter whose way of life is an anachronism in the modern world of horseless carriages, telephones and electric lights. A visit to the town doctor (Jimmy Stewart) reveals he has cancer and only a short time to live. He uses that time to befriend a widow (Lauren Bacall) and to teach her son (Ron Howard) some of the important things about manhood before he stages his own exit facing down three rival gunmen. Of course, Wayne himself was dead of cancer within three years of this film's release, so it will always retain a certain poignancy.

There you go, faithful readers. Get thee to a video store.

In the meantime, here at the Nine Inch Column, we tip our Stetsons to you, Duke. Happy Birthday.

So It Goes

2007-04-12T22:15:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe learned with sadness today of the death of author Kurt Vonnegut, an eloquent, original, irreverent giant of modern literature. Of the many literary inventions that pepper his work, some of my favourites I think come from the tenets of Bokononism as described in Cat's Cradle.

Specifically, the notions of the karass (a group of people who, often unknowingly, are working together to do God's will) and the granfalloon (a false karass, or a group of people who think they have a connection that doesn't exist - Vonnegut used the example of "hoosiers") seem almost prescient in the age of blogging, YouTube, and Facebook, but in reality they represent a testament into Vonnegut's insight into the human condition. As long as we've been around we've simultaneously sought to define our individual places in the world, and regularly misunderstood our individual roles in the grand scheme of things.

Take, for instance, the difference between a group of people who join a Simpsons Facebook group, or follow the same hockey team, versus an invisible network of bloggers who might help effect a sweeping political or social change on the other side of the world.

Makes you think.

In other sad news, veteran character actor Roscoe Lee Browne died today as well. I liked him best in The Cowboys with John Wayne. He played a cattle trail cook named Jebediah Nightlinger. Just before the climactic gunfight, he is about to be lynched by Bruce Dern and his gang. With the rope around his neck, he asks for a moment to make his peace, and offers this prayer in his inimitable baritone voice:

"I regret trifling with married women, I'm thoroughly ashamed at cheating at cards, I deplore my occasional departures from the truth, Forgive me for taking your name in vain, my Saturday drunkenness, my Sunday Sloth. Above all, forgive me for the men I've killed in anger, and those I am about to... "

Mariposa, Hell

2007-03-30T10:07:00.000-04:00

Faithful readers share both the triumphs and tragedies of the Nine Inch Column. Today we must acknowledge the latter.

Alas, it came to your humble scribe's attention yesterday that he did not make the short list for the Leacock Medal. Evidently "six national judges and a group of 10 readers in Orillia" have determined that The Ideal Candidate ranks no higher than the sixth funniest book in Canada (if it's not in the top five, then one can infer that theoretically...).

There is some consolation in the fact that humour heavyweights like Stuart McLean (Secrets From The Vinyl Cafe) and Douglas Coupland (JPod) were among those that made the short list, and that that other municipal election-themed book did not, and nor for that matter did Linwood Barclay. Yet I remain curious (and mildly skeptical) about just how funny a gardening book can actually be.

But in the spirit of good sportsmanship, congratulations to Messrs. McLean, Coupland, Kennedy, Knighton, and McKinnon. You've beaten me this time with little more than your hard work and obvious talent.

I suppose now I'll have to write another book. That'll show you.

Pick Your Battles

2007-02-21T21:24:00.000-05:00

Your humble scribe was featured semi-prominently in today's Mississauga News (including a picture of me looking Tucker Carlson-esque in a green polka-dot bow tie). Here's the article, which appears to pit me at odds with City Council:

THE MISSISSAUGA NEWS
City, Arts Council butt heads
Dispersal of grants a sore point
Joseph Chin
Feb 21, 2007

The stage appears set for a potentially nasty spat between the City and the Mississauga Arts Council (MAC) over how grants to art groups should be handled.

At last week's City Council meeting, Ward 3 councillor Maja Prentice and Mayor Hazel McCallion took turns blasting MAC for daring to question their request for more information regarding the process.

"I take great exception. It's clearly directed to Council, and not for the first time," said Prentice. "I've had it...I'm really angry at this attitude."

McCallion shared her sentiments.

"That kind of attitude is going to be eliminated. It hurts our image..." she said.
Among other responsibilities, MAC doles out City money, $389,700 this year, to arts organizations.

According to Prentice, a former MAC director, councillors merely wanted to know "who got what, and why?"

The information came back with a covering letter from president Ben Thornton explaining why his organization doesn't customarily divulge group-by-group recommendations to politicians.

"We believe it to be universally understood in the North American arts sector that governmental funding of the arts must be at 'arm's length' - that is, that the political body (in this case Council) should let specific funding decisions be left to an independent body," said Thornton.

"Politicians have an obligation to spend their constituents' money wisely, and therefore hold the responsibility of determining the total monies available to the arts, but their involvement with specific, group-by-group, project-by-project allocations leaves the artistic process vulnerable to interference, censorship, pandering, and political gamesmanship, or at the very least, the appearance or suggestion thereof."

"It was accusatory in tone, inferring we wanted to interfere in the process," an indignant Prentice told The News. "But we weren't trying to be in their face. When residents see their taxes going up, they often ask why we're giving money to groups such as those involved with sports and arts. It has to be under scrutiny."

Prentice said she understood why MAC would be sensitive: two years ago, a task force recommended that the allocating of arts grants be transferred to the recently-established Office of the Arts.

Contacted by The News, Thornton stuck to his guns. As long as his organization is responsible for disbursing the grants, he said MAC should remain autonomous in its decision making as much as possible.

"We weren't trying to be secretive or confrontational, just responsible," said Thornton.

"I don't want to start going down the road of councillors looking at individual grants. We've been doing it for a long time, and the City has always found we spent wisely."

Established in 1981, MAC is a non-profit organization governed by a board of directors. Its events include the annual Mississauga Arts Awards, workshops and Artfully Yours, a gathering for artists to meet and network. It's the most comprehensive resource for arts and entertainment information in the city, supporting and promoting the activities of over 215 arts organizations representing more than 23,000 artists.

Thornton said he isn't overly concerned with the possibility of his organization being stripped of granting responsibilities.

"It's a small part of what we do. We're very much in touch with the community. The task force itself said we could serve a grassroots role," he said.

Before the City does anything, though, Thornton hopes it would look at how the process works in other jurisdictions.

"To our knowledge, no elected or provincial representative is involved in any specific granting decisions made by their respective granting bodies (such as the Canada Council for the Arts, the Ontario Arts Council, or the Trillium Foundation)."

Still, Thornton has no problem with a peer review group providing input to the City who would take over the role (as recommended by the arts review task force) - "as long as it is meaningful, not something for the City to hide behind.

"The process must be transparent," he insisted.

Prentice said Office of the Arts director Zainub Verjee, who assumed the new position on Jan. 15, will be recommending on the granting process to Council.

"A decision will be made before next year's budget," Prentice said.

Thornton said he doesn't want bad feelings between MAC and the City.

"The City has made a big commitment to the arts by setting up the Office of the Arts and hiring a director; it has increased funding in the last two years...it's going in the right direction," he said.

In truth, there was no suggestion of wrongdoing or interference. Rather, I was intending to clarify a point of policy in the funding body/government relationship. Since the question had been asked, and since current practices are under review, it seemed as good a time as any to explain the underlying philosophy.

The irony is that by publicly reacting so strongly, some members of City Council created a polarizing focal point which prompted the Mississauga News to follow up the article above with an editorial entitled "Let MAC decide where funds go" citing some of the very examples of successful independent funding organizations (Canada Council, Ontario Arts Council, Trillium Foundation) I offered to support our position.

Surely if the Mississauga News editorial board tells you you're right, it must be true.

Right?

Universal Remote

2007-02-17T15:07:00.000-05:00

It was reported earlier this week that the co-inventor of the television remote, Robert Adler, an engineer at Zenith Electronics, died at the age of 93.

I can't help but wonder if he's going to be buried under the couch cushions.

A Good Idea Is A Good Idea

2007-02-15T21:45:00.000-05:00

Happy Flag Day! If you didn't know, the traditional Flag Day gift is discounted Valentine's chocolates.

Yes, it's the 42nd anniversary of the Canadian flag, and NDP MP Peggy Nash is the latest to propose making the day a national holiday, going so far as to introduce a private member's bill on the subject.

The Nine Inch Column couldn't agree more. It's a long, cold, dark stretch from New Year's to Good Friday. The Americans have Presidents Day (Washington's Birthday) in there. And while I can't imagine Prime Ministers' Day (or Louis St. Laurent's Birthday) being greeted with all-party enthusiasm, who's not going to support the flag? Aside from Quebec which has its own fete nationale in June. But even so, who couldn't use a day off in February. (This raises the corollary question of 'who wouldn't like a day off in June')

So, if there's a petition - sign it. If you're a legislator - vote for it, with the full and weighty endorsement of the Nine Inch Column.

And in the interest of full disclosure, your humble scribe's well-considered position in this matter has nothing materially to do with the fact that today is also my birthday. Strictly coincidental.

The Wheelchair's For Respect

2007-02-14T15:41:00.000-05:00

I'm looking forward to tonight's episode of Punched Up on the Comedy Network for its guest star: the great Joe Flaherty.

As wide and varied as his career is, Guy Caballero will always come first to mind when I think of him. I also loved the pantheon of other characters he played on SCTV, from Vic Arpeggio (Black Like Vic), to William F. Buckley ("Last call for lunatic liberals and their third world girlfriends."), to Count Floyd/Floyd Robertson to the inimitable Sammy Maudlin.

Naturally, I am vomitously envious of my brother Pat for getting the chance to work with a legend. I'm also envious of the fact that Pat is currently in L.A. while the Toronto area digs out from the biggest snowstorm of the year.

By the way, if you missed last week's episode, you can see the commercial Pat did for Steam Whistle Breweries and vote on whether you think Steam Whistle should use the commercial or not.

What Could Have Been

2007-02-08T14:28:00.000-05:00

As faithful readers will know, your humble scribe ran for office in 2003 for the illustrious position of trustee on the Catholic school board. I was respectably trounced, but now it seems that I might have dodged a bullet, as the Dufferin-Peel Catholic School Board was recently stripped of much of its power by a provincially appointed supervisor for refusing to balance the budget. Now, the trustees maintained this posture through the fall (and the municipal election) presumably to show the voters how tough a stance they were willing to take with the province, but it seems to me that their ongoing intransigence is disenfranchising their constituents. If the budget has to be balanced (and eventually it will be, even if more funding can be negotiated from the province), wouldn't it be better if the local representatives made those decisions?

I'm not saying that the voters of Mississauga's wards 1 & 3 made a mistake in not electing me when they had the chance, but... Anyway, all is forgiven.

Perhaps if I had won, I wouldn't have written my novel The Ideal Candidate, which continues to cause ripples in Mississauga. In my capacity as president of the Mississauga Arts Council, I recently made a presentation to City Council, and afterward a woman who'd been in the gallery came up to introduce herself to me (hello Ursula) as a regular reader of the Nine Inch Column, and to let me know that she's reading the book. A bona fide fan encounter. I only hoped I lived up to expectations.

I also received a request from Carolyn Parrish's office for a copy of the book. Evidently it's getting some buzz in the hallways of officialdom. And an interesting coincidence is that Parrish may be one of the few Mississaugans to have had contact with the mysterious real-life inspiration for the literary hero Timmy Niblet.

Speaking of ShoHu (Were we speaking of ShoHu? Maybe not.), new contributor Michael Balazo is featured this week.

Coincidentally

2007-01-05T12:42:00.000-05:00

As faithful readers will know, your humble scribe has been spending some time of late flogging his debut novel The Ideal Candidate. As part of this process of self-aggrandisement, I've submitted my book for consideration for the Stephen Leacock Memorial Medal for Humour.

I don't know what kind of chance I've got, especially when I'm up against 44 other writers, including heavy-hitters like Stuart McLean, Linwood Barclay, and Douglas Coupland. But it would be quite an accomplishment to even make the shortlist.

But here's the strange coincidence: if you look at the list of submissions you'll notice that number 25 on the list is a book called The Perfect Candidate by one Randall Denley. You'll notice that Mr. Denley is a columnist for the Ottawa Citizen, and that his book is about a municipal election campaign in Ottawa. Contrast that to my own opus about a municipal election campaign in the fictional city of Newhazel, a satirical stand-in for the great city of Mississauga. Evidently both stories are tales of political machination and conspiracy, and while the recent municipal elections in Ontario made the timing for both books natural, I still thinks it ranks up there as spooky.

By the way, if Christmas has left you too poor to buy my book, it is now available at the Mississauga Library.

Christmas Spellcheck

2006-12-13T12:56:00.000-05:00

There's no denying that this time of year has a language all its own: when in June do you ever thing about figgy pudding, or wassailing, or mistletoe, or tinsel, or Wenceslaus, or even reindeer? All good stuff. These words evoke memories, intimately personal or broadly cultural. Add to the ancient and the Victorian the postmodern Chrismukkah and turducken. Some view it as the evolution of a living language, others as abominations of their mother tongue. I'm not overly concerned about that debate - but I am a stickler for spelling.

My immediate problem is with the word "cavalcade" - from the Latin caballus for horse (think "cavalry"). It's traditional definition is "a procession of riders or horse drawn carriages," but conceding to the age of the horseless carriage, it could also mean "a ceremonial procession or display." This, I presume, is the meaning the people behind Toronto's "Cavalcade of Lights" had in mind. No problem.

The problem revealed itself first in the pronunciation - I've heard more than one radio or television announcer pronounce the word as "calvacade." Forgivable, perhaps (maybe it's the "nuke-yu-lar" of the Christmas season). But last year I even found an mispelled example in the venerable Toronto Star (Dec. 17, 2005, pg. A25).

The Nine Inch Column's spellcheck caught it in this very missive, and when I checked "calvacade" in an online dictionary, it asked me, "Did you mean cavalcade?" Why, yes I did. And I hope the Star did too.

We can't afford to let our guard down on this one. Don't even get me started on Xmas.

Punched Up

2006-11-15T07:58:00.000-05:00

Today's post is a shameless plug for my brother's new television show "Punched Up" which premieres tonight at 10:30 on The Comedy Network.

Pat Thornton - the aforementioned sibling - is part of a team of comedy writers sent in to "punch up" the lives of ordinary people. The first episode has them working with a girl from the Naked News.

That certainly gets the Nine Inch Column's stamp of approval.

The Day After

2006-11-14T13:05:00.000-05:00

I hope all the Nine Inch Column's faithful readers voted yesterday in the municipal elections.

Here in your humble scribe's hometown of Mississauga, Mayor Hazel McCallion cruised to victory with 98,293 votes - compared to Donald Barber's 5,571 or Roy Willis' 3,667.

For your word of the day, see: Juggernaut.

Also, disappointingly, Eve Adams was re-elected in Mississauga'a Ward 5, despite numerous campaign violations. It begs the question of just what an incumbent has to do to lose an election in this town. Beat a puppy to death with a sack of doorknobs, maybe? (Readers will note -with gratitude, I hope - that I have not sought out a hyperlink for that last sentence.)

But, new to council, thanks to some geographical redistribution, is Carolyn Parrish. Her victory will at least bring some much needed drama to Council meetings. She has already declared future intentions of seeking the mayoralty, and this means she'll be trying to make a name for herself at Council, while Hazel (and other councillors with similar ambitions) try to prevent her.

Finally, looking east across the Etobicoke Creek, a comment about hapless Toronto mayoral candidate Stephen LeDrew. Here's LeDrew, an influential lawyer, former President of the Liberal Party of Canada, with political experience and connections out the wazoo, who managed only to get 1.4% of the votes for mayor (8,078 compared to David Miller's 332,969).

He's a cautionary tale if ever there was one. I can see the thought process: "I've got a national profile. I've got the Liberal machine behind me," he probably thought to himself. "There's no doubt I can be a legitimate contender." Perhaps his bow tie was a little too tight, or perhaps he's spent too much time protected from the rest of the world by the oak-panelled walls of the National Club.

My point is this: I'm a political junkie. I ran for office in 2003 and made a reasonable go of it. I'll likely run again some day. But God protect me from the blindness that afflicts so many candidates - the hubris, the inflated sense of their own importance and influence. It must truly be a rare thing in politics to be aware of your place in the universe, and to respect the limits of your own notoriety.

Remember

2006-11-11T13:24:00.000-05:00

Your humble scribe's thoughts turn today, as do most Canadians', to fallen heroes.

I've always had a profound respect for veterans, but the abstract became a little more concrete when some genealogical research turned up the particulars of the a member of my own family.

So now, every November 11th, I think of my great-uncle, Flight Sub Lieutenant Sydney Emerson Ellis of the Royal Naval Air Service, a bona fide World War I flying ace, whose Sopwith Camel went into an irrecoverable spin on a July day in 1917 and crashed, killing him at the ripe old age of 21.

Thanks, Uncle Sydney.

Tick

2006-10-26T08:46:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe's 15 minutes of fame as an author has begun, faithful readers - at least within a fifteen-block radius of where I live. I was interviewed by the local Rogers Television station on their self-described "infotainment" show "Daytime." Then I was profiled in that pillar of the fourth estate, here, in the Mississauga News, complete with a picture that my brother-in-law suggested made me look like a tv evangelist.

I guess we know who's off the Christmas card list, don't we?

Life Imitates Art

2006-10-18T14:14:00.000-04:00

Faithful readers will know that I've been plugging my book, The Ideal Candidate, recently. The book is in large part a political satire, a humorous reflective comment on my own hometown of Mississauga. Set during a municipal election, the story is peopled with ruthless mobsters and calculating political operatives all doing there utmost to influence its outcome. Pretty farfetched stuff, right? I mean, it's quiet suburbia, right? Meet me at the corner of Banal and Apathy.

Well, what should your humble scribe read in today's Mississauga News but a piece on Adnan Hashmi, a candidate for council in Ward 10, now charged with impersonating a police officer and trying to intimidate other candidates (specifically Ishrat Nasim) into withdrawing from the election (those of you in possession of a copy of The Ideal Candidate may want to turn to page 95, or 249, or... et cetera, et cetera).

This is the part in the infomercial where the announcer says: 'But wait, there's more!" and offers you a second solar powered juicer - that's two for the incredibly low price of $14.99.

So..."But wait, there's more!" Councillor Eve Adams, Ward 5, is also in trouble for using her city staff on her re-election campaign. For shame. And this after her husband and brother were charged last election for stealing her opponents' signs. Doesn't she know that Mississauga has a nearly 100% incumbent return rate?

So for today's homework, read The Ideal Candidate and compare and contrast the political strongarming, misappropriation, and abuse of office presented in the book with current and historical examples from Mississauga.

I'll give you a hint: Cliff Gyles.

I should offer a disclaimer, I suppose. I ran into Mayor Hazel McCallion the other night at the Mississauga Arts Awards. She said to me: "There's not much fiction in your book. I haven't read it, but people who have tell me there's not much fiction in it." Well if that were the case, I'd be in trouble, for the Mayor of Newhazel in my story has a private paramilitary counter-espionage agency at her disposal (hidden in the Parks and Recreation department) that protects her interests 'with extreme prejudice' . Naturally, that's not true. Nor is the suggestion that the school board is controlled by the mob, or that elements within City Hall caused a train derailment to secure the Mayor's ongoing popularity. In fact, the book is not fact.

As they say, any resmblance to actual persons or events is entirely coincidental.

Actual Viewer Mail

2006-10-10T09:28:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Thornton:

Thank you for taking the time and effort to deliver a copy of yournovel, "The Ideal Candidate", to my office today.

I very much appreciate your thoughtfulness and I look forward togetting an opportunity to read it as I am sure it will be very interesting and a great addition to my library.

Once again, thank you for your kindness and please accept my sincere best wishes for the success of your book.

Sincerely,

HAZEL McCALLION, C.M.
MAYOR

The Book Launch

2006-09-27T15:39:00.000-04:00

There is big news today, faithful readers. I am launching my new book - a novel, my first novel, in fact: The Ideal Candidate.

I will quote from the back cover:

"Local politics in the suburban city of Newhazel is gridlocked after decades of domination by a powerful octogenarian female Mayor. Nat Drennan, an idealistic young businessman, wants in and determines the best place to start is at the very bottom - by running for school board trustee.

What he doesn't know is that his opponent, a long-time incumbent, is a puppet of an organized crime family that has long been getting rich by maniuplating school board contracts. The family is not about to let its schemes be upset by the young upstart. But there are others with eyes on the school board money as well.

The danger and violence escalate while Nat and the voting public remain blissfully unaware of the storm in which he is caught - between two mobs, a shadowy arm of the Mayor's municipal government, and a gangster rapper and his entourage.

With cutting political satire, edge-of-your-seat suspense, and a cast of true to life characters, The Ideal Candidate is a remarkable funny reminder that all politics is local."

Nifty, eh? You can take a look at it here.

Unsatisfied

2006-09-19T21:50:00.000-04:00

My wife's parents live in Victoria, B.C. She talks to them a couple times a week, and the exchange is usually predictable - stories about the old folks' young granddaughter head west, while stories about the retiree social scene come east.

Well, something different happened last week.

To set this up, you should be aware, faithful readers, that my mother-in-law spends as much of her available time paddling - she is part of a paddling club, socializes with other paddling club members regularly, and bombards my wife with paddling anecdotes, often involving seeing a seal in the harbour.

But on Sunday, my wife relayed to me that Mom and her paddling group came upon - not a seal - but a dead body.

"A dead body?" I asked, astonished. Then I began to ask questions.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Somebody saw it and they called the police," was the reply.

"Do the police know who it was?"

"She didn't say."

"Do they know what happened? Did he drown? Was the body dumped?"

"She didn't say."

"Didn't she follow up?

"Was it a man or a woman?"

"She didn't say."

"Didn't you ask?" I asked.

"No," my wife answered. "I didn't think of it."

It was true. Not only had mother-in-law casually glossed over the whole incident with the barest minimum of detail, but wife had compounded the effect by neglecting to probe any further. Never before had such a juicy anecdote been done such injustice in the retelling. This was the opening scene of a Law & Order episode, and it was rolled into a discussion about the weather and the price of gas on Vancouver Island.

I think you're probably beginning to see how I would have reacted, volunteering to look through mug shots, make statements, whatever (I don't have anything as exciting as paddling to otherwise occupy my thoughts). Then I would dine out on the story for weeks, months, maybe years afterward. Faithful readers I think would be unsurprised at the extensive number of pretexts I might use to bring up 'the time I found a dead body' story.

"I found a five-dollar bill on the sidewalk this morning." - "Oh yeah, I found a dead body."
"The beach in Cuba was so beautiful." - "Last time I saw the ocean there was a dead body in it."
"Do you have the time?" - "I found a dead body."

But I was surprised how blase my wife was about the whole thing. "I don't know. I didn't ask," she kept repeating frustratingly.

Properly chastened, wife followed up with mother-in-law by phone and reported tersely the bare bones of the case: man, roughly 45 , found in the Inner Harbour, wearing black pants and white shirt, no foul play suspected. Well, that's something anyway.

Now, it's possible my morbid curiousity is an overreaction - evidently the story of the body's discovery was mentioned in the Victoria Times-Colonist newspaper (which erroneously listed the dicoverers as 'rowers' not 'paddlers'), but it didn't make the online version. I guess it just wasn't big enough news.

Sling Blade

2006-09-12T11:46:00.000-04:00

I have not forgotten you, faithful readers. While I'm sure it's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, nevertheless I do confess disappointment in myself that nearly a month has passed without update.

But for now, onward and upward. Those of you in the Toronto area will likely have heard of the murder-suicide at the Delta Chelsea Hotel. It has since come to light that the murder weapon was a "Swiss Army multi-tool" with a five-inch blade.

As discomforting as a crime like this is, my personal fear is an over-reaction to Swiss Army Knives. Those who know your humble scribe know that his own SAK has gotten him out of a few scrapes (usually opening tightly taped packages or uncorking wine bottles). I would hate to think that some reactionary politician might impose an unwieldly registry or worse - an outright ban.

You think it's silly, but this is Ontario, where they banned not only pit bulls, but any dogs that resemble them. You gotta watch out for that Michael Bryant.

For the time being, though, the Nine Inch Column comes with a corkscrew, screwdriver and bottle opener.

New ShoHu

2006-08-14T13:58:00.000-04:00

A faithful reader looking for something new to read? Look no further than ShoHu.ca. This week, my brother, up-and-coming comic Pat Thornton, gives a glimpse inside his own private hell. And yes, he uses the word fart.

Some people think its funny.

From The Desk Of John Graves Simcoe

2006-08-03T16:10:00.000-04:00

Good people of Upper Canada,

Recently, when Googling myself, I came upon the fact that the first Monday in August is a holiday named for me. What a wonderful honour, I thought, but certainly no surprise. After all, I was your first Lieutenant-Governor (and you always remember your first). Take that, Lord Dorchester. When’s your day?

Although a midsummer holiday was declared in 1869, it took until 1968 for Toronto city council to declare the day “Simcoe Day.” That’s 99 years, if you’re counting. And this after I made Toronto the capital of Upper Canada and was the first to try and convince tourists it was a World Class City. Toronto the Good can kiss my lily British ass.

I can only deduce that my public has fallen out of love with me. Simcoe Day is a mere municipal holiday, not even a provincially designated holiday, and as such it is up to local councils to set the rules. That’s why, on the one day a year set aside to honour me, your first L-G, the man who made your province what it is today, you can still go to the beer store or the mall. That’s right, the Beer Stores are open on Simcoe Day. The sun has truly set on the British Empire.

I fear you may view my complaints as mere desperation for glory lost. Perhaps, but screw you. I hope you enjoy your “Civic” holiday, especially if you happen to spend it at a cottage on Lake Simcoe. What, hasn’t anyone named a lake after you? Pity, that.

And for the record, on Simcoe Day, I do not pop out of a hole, see my shadow and declare six more weeks of summer. I can’t even begin to explain what is wrong with that.

I remain, your humble and obedient servant,

J.G. Simcoe
Lieutenant-General

Innocents Abroad

2006-07-31T20:48:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe was chastised this weekend by one of his regular American readers for the frequency of postings here on the column. As an ex-pat, he enjoys the news and commentary the Nine Inch Column provides about his native land. So, with that in mind, let's look at some Canadian political minutia.

Many faithful readers will have noticed how regularly I use Wikipedia to provide background information. It's an ingenious creation, and quite wide-ranging and democratic, if not always accurate. I enjoy the fact that with a minimum of extraneous navigation, I can jump from Simpsons hero the Inanimate Carbon Rod to astronaut Buzz Aldrin to Freemasonry to Halifax brewmeister Alexander Keith. I even found an article on the Cambridge Latin Course, and its hero Quintus Caecilius Iucundus, which I took in high school.

Now it turns out that Wikipedia is the handicapper of choice in the federal Liberal leadership race. According to the Toronto Star, the Wikipedia page tracking the leadership campaigns is a reasonably accurate way to guage the support each of the candidates have, particularly by the number of endorsements from Liberal MPs and Senators (including themselves).

Currently the breakdown is as follows:

Carolyn Bennet: 1 MP, 0 Senators
Maurizio Bevilacqua : 3 MPs, 0 Senators
Scott Brison: 3 MPs, 5 Senators
Stephane Dion: 7 MPs, 4 Senators
Ken Dryden: 3 MPs, 7 Senators
Martha Hall Findlay: 0 MPs, 0 Senators
Hedy Fry: 1 MP, 0 Senators
Michael Ignatieff: 31 MPs, 8 Senators
Gerard Kennedy: 14 MPs, 6 Senators
Bob Rae: 4 MPs, 9 Senators
Joe Volpe: 5 MPs, 0 Senators

Strange, nobody has asked for the Nine Inch Column's endorsement. What could that mean?

Master and Commander: The Far Side Of The World

2006-07-21T22:09:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe, like much of the country, has been following the plight of Canadian nationals stranded in Lebanon, and our governments efforts to see them safely home. Prime Minister Stephen Harper even flew evacuees home on his government jet, an act of airborne altruism more commonly perpetrated by celebrity action heroes like John Travolta or Harrison Ford.

So, with 80-odd people safely evacuated by that daring young man in his flying machine, the plan remains to get the rest out by ship - and it's not going particularly well, especially when compared to other countries' efforts. I can't help but think back to our old PM, Paul Martin and his once-beloved Canada Steamship Lines. Wouldn't it have been something to watch the Right Honourable Commodore on the quarterdeck of one of his former ships, Liberian flags of convenience snapping briskly in the wind behind him, pulling himself away from his vengeful quest for the white whale Moby Chretien and coming to the rescue of his fellow citizens?

Shiver me timbers.

This Just In

2006-07-19T16:18:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe has been scribbling elsewhere of late. In my pillar-of-the-community capacity as president and chair of the Mississauga Arts Council, my sage opinions on the municipal government's proposed arts policy are expressed in a guest column in the Mississauga News.

Sadly, a charming introductory anecdote was edited out along with a rather toothy finish regarding election-year politics and implied warnings for sitting politicians, but what can one do but keep fighting the good fight.

Vive la resistance.

Bait and Switch

2006-07-17T15:58:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe is still here, faithful readers, just a little busy. So, in lieu of something profound to say here, I'll redirect you. It's Monday again and that means there's new ShoHu.

Vive la France

2006-07-06T22:21:00.000-04:00

In the interest of full disclosure, your humble scribe, through his paternal grandmother, claims one-quarter French heritage, displaced some 300+ years through Quebec, then Vermont, and then Quebec again. It's not something that often comes up in conversation, but given France's World Cup Final berth, I am choosing to jump on my genealogical bandwagon and hum La Marseillaise this weekend.

Today also marks the 550th anniversary of Joan of Arc's posthumous acquittal for heresy. I am reminded of Bernard Shaw's St. Joan, and perhaps my favourite exchange therein, among the clergymen discussing the charges against Joan:

CHAPLAIN TO THE CARDINAL OF WESTMINSTER: ... The Maid has actually declared that the blessed saints Margaret and Catherine, and the holy Archangel Michael, spoke to her in French. That is a vital point.

THE INQUISITOR: You think, doubtless, that they should have spoken in Latin?

BISHOP CAUCHON: No: he thinks they should have spoken in English.

CHAPLAIN: Naturally, my lord.

It's all so perfectly logical, isn't it?

I confess that I don't actually speak French beyond poutine and bibliotheque and voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir. Nor do I actually enjoy watching soccer (never could see what the fuss was about one-nil games won on penalty kicks). But I do have numerous Italian friends and neighbours whom I would enjoy seeing heartbroken in defeat on Sunday. Besides (and I know I'm being selfish - so sue me) an Italian win would mean traffic chaos. That's enough of a reason for me to root for the French.

The Germans didn't make the final, but they did give us the word schadenfreude.

Stop And Smell The Trilliums

2006-06-29T23:54:00.000-04:00

Trillium grandiflorum - that's the taxonomic name of the white trillium, the official flower of the Ontario and the inspiration for the provincial government's official logo since 1964.

The present Liberal government recently commissioned a new logo, a new version of the Trillium. It is, in a word, pointy. Opposition leaders John Tory and Howard Hampton would lead you to believe that Dalton McGuinty personally orchestrated a partisan conspiracy to defraud taxpayers out of $219,00 and foist some kind of Satanic pentagram on them and their Health Cards. The Tories have even launched a new website - Save The Trillium - to decry this affront. I am loathe to aid their political cause, but the site does offer us such inspirational nuggets as:

"Ontario's trillium has long been the symbol of hope and opportunity for all,"

and,

"The white blossom of the trillium is associated with peace and hope. Since 1964, the trillium has also served as the official logo for the government of Ontario. Over the ensuing four decades the trillium has become a universal symbol and seal for governments of all three major political parties. While an indelible part of our natural heritage, the trillium's future remains a considerable source of concern. Trilliums take over 15 years to mature, and quickly die should their distinctive three leaves (their only food source) get picked. Many jurisdictions have passed laws preventing the picking of trilliums, and the preservation of this flower, and all it stands for, remains a laudable goal of conservation minded Ontarians province wide. "

Isn't that sweet?

But what about the logo itself, faithful readers? The thing is, I don't particularly like either of them, old or new. The older versions of the logo are clearly dated, but the new logo (with it's nifty little people with outstretched arms - that's us, get it?) will probably date itself even faster. Forced to choose, I think I'd go for the retro, mid-2oth century, early space-age charm of the old logo.

For the time being, if trilliums are no longer doing the trick, might I suggest the Nine Inch Column could be the symbol of hope and opportunity for all?

Monday ShoHu

2006-06-26T16:52:00.000-04:00

It's Monday and that means there's a new piece of ShoHu at ShoHu.ca. This week we have a little fun with Monsieur Rene Descartes. But, since he's been dead some 356 years, I suspect he won't have much to say about it.

Watch Where You Are Going

2006-06-23T15:03:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe spent the morning behind a podium, faithful readers, emceeing a breakfast for sponsors, members, and friends of the Mississauga Arts Council. It was the formal kick-off for MAC's 25th anniversary.

The semi-annual breakfast event was held at the Novotel Hotel Mississauga, where it has been held for some years. Usually we are in the second floor "Paris" Room. This fact has some relevance for what is to follow. Today, however, we were accommodated in the lower level "Amsterdam" Room. How worldly.

Some of our guests, accustomed to attending these breakfasts on the second floor, went there out of habit, got their food, took their seats and then discovered that they were not at the Mississauga Arts Council event, but rather the introductory breakfast for the, ahem, International Ferret Congress' Ferret Aid 2006. To be fair, some of the ferret people (is that the politically correct term?) wandered into our soiree as well.

So, what goes on at an International Ferret Congress you ask? The published schedule includes presentations on such diverse issues as "DIM, The Ferret Mystery Killer", "The Human/Animal Bond & Ferrets in the UK"; "Aleutians Disease Virus & the use of Melatonin Implants" as well as discussions on nutrition and cruelty.

BUT, the piece de resistance, available only to those who registered in advance and made an additional $40 donation (beyond the $240 3-day pass), is the Ferret Couture Fashion Show!! (editor's note: Use of the double exclamation point reflects the opinons of the ferret people's web designer(s) and not necessarily those of the Nine Inch Column).

Who knew that such things went on in the Paris Room?

Timber

2006-06-12T09:40:00.000-04:00

If it's Monday, faithful readers, it must be ShoHu. This week's offering explores some healthy father hero worship, just in time for Father's Day next week. Have you found a gift yet? Maybe a bottle of Hai Karate?

In other news, the southern view from your humble scribe's front yard was improved dramatically at 7:30 am this morning with the demolition of the 'Four Sisters' smokestacks at the Lakeview Generating Station. Finally, nothing between me and Buffalo.

Let Me Axe You This

2006-06-06T16:02:00.000-04:00

It was revealed today, faithful readers, that the suspected terrorists arrested over the weekend wanted to blow up the CBC (I imagine for letting their Olympic broadcast rights and Brian Williams slip away) and then attack Parliament and BEHEAD Stephen Harper.

I mean, we've all heard the stories - that Stephen Harper eats babies - but beheading? That's a little extreme, and counter-productive, I might add, in a minority government. If you're trying to get the Conservative government to meet your jihadist demands, the last thing you want is a smaller caucus.

Yes, I know I just wrote 'smaller caucus.' It's okay. I can do anything I want with my Nine Inch Column. However, I will refrain from offering alternative candidates for decapitation, lest CSIS or the RCMP or the CIA or the NSA or whomever adds me to some watchlist and I end up rerouted to some black site prison in Latvia or Cuba next time I try to fly to Vegas.

I will instead offer my favourite quote about Pierre Trudeau, from the late Canadian poet Irving Layton:

"In Pierre Elliott Trudeau, Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination."

And I think most people would agree that Stephen Harper is no Pierre Trudeau.

Finally, your humble scribe's thoughts turn to Paul Martin. Does an involuntary retirement become more or less palatable when one discovers you are/are not/could have been targeted for beheading by radical terrorists. Does one think, "Whew, that could have been me," or "What am I, chopped liver?"

Tempus Fugit

2006-06-01T23:12:00.000-04:00

It's June, faithful readers. Where does the time go? Naturally, each new week brings new ShoHu, so be sure to take a visit.

Time moves forward, too, in the Liberal leadership campaign. Joe Volpe today tapdanced around the acceptance, defence, return and recanting of some $27,000 in campaign donations from children under 18 - including three children of pharmaceutical company executives, who live evidently in what I like to call Big Pharma's House. Mr. Volpe, backpedaling, now states that donations should be restricted to adults only. Your humble scribe cries "Smokescreen" on this one. Would the effect have been any different if the parents funneled donations through 18-year-olds? No. What if they'd used other people's kids instead of their own? Nope. Same difference. If a candidate is vulnerable to influence from a major lobbying group, that group will find a way to get the money where it needs to be. The issue here is electoral independence, not age limits on donors.

Time is an issue too on Parliamant Hill. Stephen Harper's government is trying to set fixed election times, every four years like they do in the U.S. Apparently this will make things more fair and predictable, so Canadians won't be surprised, confused, or terrified.

"I woke up this morning and there was a sign on my lawn. I'm surprised, confused, and terrified."

See, now minority governments can be taken down. So, let's say you're a Prime Minister who has told everyone when an election will be called, say 30 days after the release of a major report on a government scandal. Fair warning. Nobody's surprised, confused, or terrified. But then, some folks decide to surprise, confuse, and terrify Canadians by voting non-confidence. Have you seen the ruckus they make when they do that? Throwing papers in the air and yelling?

Well, now, since elections will only be held every fourth October, that won't happen, unless the majority opposition decides to vote non-confidence, because that part of the constitution can't be changed. Nor can the part that says the PM can still ask the Governor General to dissolve Parliament any time he wants to. So, this would be more of a guideline, would it? The words toothless, disingenuous, and self-serving come to mind.

I don't mind the proposed Senate reform - 8 year terms instead of appointments until age 75. As long as they remain unelected and get to keep their pensions.

More ShoHu

2006-05-23T15:37:00.000-04:00

Faithful readers such as yourself will come to appreciate that Monday is ShoHu Day. This week's offering (updated yesterday) is by the inimitable Pat Thornton.

They say write what you know. As a comedian, he has. Enjoy a glimpse into his personal neurosis.

Oh, and if you would be so kind as to sign the ShoHu petition.

714

2006-05-22T20:58:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe is not an overly rabid sports fan, but since baseball is certainly top of my list, I feel I must take a moment to acknowledge the news this weekend that Barry Bonds hit his 714th home run to tie Babe Ruth's position in second on the all-time list.

Much controversy surrounds Bonds' success, perhaps most notably his link to and use of performance-enhancing steroids. I certainly don't condone the use of steroids. I used to coach little league ball and I believe it's tough to instill a fair play attitude in kids when the stars of the game are bending the rules, tougher still for varsity and semi-pro coaches whose players might be tempted to do whatever it takes to gain an edge. But put the role-model argument aside for a discussion among sports fans.

One of the favourite pastimes of ball fans and sportswriters is to make comparisons between the stars of today and the greats of yesterday. Consider all the 'all-time' fantasy teams that periodically show up in newspapers and magazines. In some ways, it's easy enough when looking at raw numbers (hits, runs batted in, strikeouts - whatever), but any fan and any statistician will tell you the important intangible is relativity. The historical numbers for winning pitchers that predated four or five day rotations, or the use of relief pitchers, cannot be compared easily to the numbers put up by today's hurlers. For hitters, even the physical properties of the ball itself have changed over the decades, along with pitching, coaching and training styles.

Basically, when the numbers are beyond argument, it is the context in which each player lived and played that truly determines their historical impact. For some, the context of Bonds' numbers are that they were artificially created by steroid use. Is he better than Babe Ruth? I don't know, but the context of Ruth's playing years needs to be considered as well. A famous drunkard, what might the Babe's output have been if he never played a game under the influence or with a hangover? Of course we'll never know, and the barroom debates will continue.

But in the meantime, congratulations to Mr. Bonds. He's reached a remarkable milestone. I, however, will always have a soft spot for Frank Baker, who played primarily for the Philadelphia Athletics in the first two decades of the twentieth century. He hit 96 home runs over 13 seasons, and never more than 12 in one year, but is memorialized forever as "Home Run" Baker.

The Searchers Part II

2006-05-17T22:56:00.000-04:00

Once again, a comment on the varied ways visitors come by this site. There have been more Hazel McCallion searches (indeed, for a search of Hazel McCallion, Google ranked the Nine Inch Column at 23rd out of some 50,200 results, closely behind traditional government and news sites). One might mistake the Column for a fan site, or worse, a comprehensive resource. Today she was monitoring the helicopter bug bombing going on in some parts of Mississauga. Yes, it's true. Hazel McCallion now has Airborne Cavalry. You won't find that statement on the big news sites.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

But, Hazel and Hueys aside, there were other searches. In what could be a classic case of mistaken identities, someone else punched in 'actor Ben Thornton'. I never did figure out if they were looking for me, or this other Ben Thornton. I can only guess, but I did notice that I'm not listed at Teen Idols 4 You.

Nuts.

Transition

2006-05-16T12:43:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe has been a little melancholy these past few days as a result of the finale of The West Wing. I suppose part of it is that I can no longer hide from the reality that George W. Bush, and not Josiah Bartlet, is actually the President of the United States. But for a while there it was nice to imagine that the fate of the free world rested in the hands of a wise, temperate, philosopher king like Jed Bartlet, rather than...you know. There are other blogs better dedicated to discussing the...you know, so we'll leave that alone for now.

Sigh...

But, the Nine Inch Column must remain strong. Someone must think of the children.

The Searchers

2006-05-15T09:24:00.000-04:00

Good Monday, faithful readers - a reminder that a new Monday means new ShoHu. And, yet another reminder to sign our petition.

Have you got a moment for a maudlin story? Good. This week's shohu is by an old friend of mine, Michael Coyne. We went to elementary school together, but his family moved away after grade 6 and he ended up in Winnipeg, and, naturally, we lost track of each other. Now, fast forward 18 years and I get an email out of the blue. Yes, Google had rekindled another friendship. A mention of your humble scribe in the Mississauga News regarding my work with the Mississauga Arts Council was just the clue he needed to put two and two together.

Google's a funny thing. In tracking some of the traffic to the Nine Inch Column, I've discovered that Google has probably led a number of people here under false pretenses. One visitor came by way of a Google search for "Hazel McCallion standoff" while another was looking for "Mayor Hazel McCallion quote on leadership." It seems that the Nine Inch Column is turning into some sort of expert on Her Worship.

I know of at least one Mayor who might disagree.

Question Period

2006-05-11T14:05:00.000-04:00

With apologies, faithful readers, the launch of ShoHu.ca has been a distraction from the Nine Inch Column. I confess a little disappointment that more of you have not yet signed our petition. There's a shiny new nickel in it for you.*

But in the meantime, rest assured your humble scribe has been keeping an eye on things and asking the tough questions.

For example, Stephen Harper's proposed crime legislation, which will necessitate the construction of new jails and prisons. How is it that our government has determined that there aren't enough people in prison?

Admittedly, there may not be enough people with jobs, or homes, or university educations, or enough family doctors, or skilled tradespeople, but is the number of people in prison really the societal benchmark we want to be raising (if in fact, "raising" is the correct idea, rather than "lowering")?

How about the brewing Michael Bryant/Clayton Ruby fight over pit bulls in Ontario? Could anyone not have forseen that banning dogs that even resemble pit bulls might be challenged in court?

Then there's ACTRA, which is asking the Ontario government for help in making sure actors can retire in dignity. A noble cause, perhaps, but if it weren't for broke, washed-up actors, we wouldn't have shows like The Surreal Life. Who would man our infomercials? I mean, if I was sitting in my pyjamas by the big picture window at the Troy McClure Home For Aged Thespians, warm, comfortable, with my financial concerns taken care of, why would I come out of retirement to box Screech from Saved By The Bell?

What's my motivation?

* there is no shiny new nickel - this is known in the humour business as a joke, or alternatively, a lie.

Birth Of A Notion

2006-05-08T10:52:00.000-04:00

Today marks the official launch of ShoHu.ca - please take a visit and be sure to sign our petition to get "ShoHu" added to the dictionary. I've also added the appropriate links at the side. Please add them to your blog as well.

I have sent a message to the editor of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, and am in the process of notifying the media.

Here at the Nine Inch Column, we're in the history-making business.

May The Fourth Be With You

2006-05-04T13:57:00.000-04:00

Today is my brother Matt's birthday. I couldn't find anything on Google about him personally (he tends to fly under the radar), so this Matthew Thornton will have to do. Today also marks probably the 25th year in a row I've made the same joke (May The Fourth Be With You) on his birthday card.

In other news, faithful readers, you'll be pleased to know that Mississauga has today survived a small earthquake - and I'm not talking about Stephen Harper's budget.

A bad joke, admittedly, but how do they get away with jokes that bad on Air Farce or 22 Minutes or Rick Mercer? And rest assured they do. Take Mercer for example. His show started out strong, borrowing from the very successful Daily Show format. But somewhere along the way it deteriorated into a travelogue. Mercer's funny, whatever he's doing, but certainly there must be enough fodder for a once-a-week intelligently funny political commentary. Granted, Canada doesn't have the same kind of 24-7 cable news coverage the U.S. does to provide the raw footage, and presumably the CBC wouldn't have the resources to wade through all that material even if it did exist. But nevertheless, if you're only doing it once a week...

It's not that Canadian political comedy shows fall short. Rather I get the sense that they are holding back, and I don't know why. But, since it's the current fashion, I'll blame Alberta.

Weeds

2006-05-01T08:28:00.000-04:00

Mayday. Mayday. Get it? 'Cause today is...tax day. Nevermind.

However, income tax return preparation has been one of the projects that has sidetracked your humble scribe from the Nine Inch Column this past week - a week that saw Hazel McCallion crash her car, Ken Dryden enter the Liberal leadership race, the expansion of NORAD, and the blossoming of dandelions in my front yard. Rest assured, I'll make up for lost time.

So, to resolve these issues as quickly as I can:

Hazel McCallion - get a driver. You're 85, mayor of the 6th largest city in Canada, and an electoral juggernaut, et cetera, et cetera. No-one will fault you for it. In fact, many will feel better - for your safety and their own.

Ken Dryden - you're sort of a weird footnote in Canadian politics. Good luck, I guess, but those who like goalies, respect lawyers, and follow politics are often very different people.

Stephen Harper - bad idea. I'm all for national defense, but what this cold war throwback really smacks of is American fear-mongering. And if it was the right thing to do, why the secrecy?

And to the dandelions, your time will come. Mark my words - your time will come.

Number Eight

2006-04-24T21:44:00.000-04:00

Today was the day Bob Rae threw his hat into the ring for leader of the Liberal party, along side old college roommate Michael Ignatieff and half-a-dozen others. The commentary, predictably, has wavered back and forth between vitriol ("Look what he did to Ontario when he was Premier!") and grudging respect for the elder stateman role he's played in recent years (Air India Commission, Ontario Post-Secondary Education Commission, etc.).

The Nine Inch Column is not quite ready to back one horse over the others yet, faithful readers, but I suppose in Mr. Rae's defence I'll offer what Winston Churchill (or Bernard Shaw, or Benjamin Disraeli, or somebody else entirely) said: "If a man's not a socialist when he's 25, he's got no heart. If he's still a socialist when he's 35, he's got no head."

What I do like about what he's said is that the Liberal Party is and should be one free of ideological extremes. Deep down, we're a nation of centrists. I like it in the middle. It's cozy.

Killer Queen

2006-04-21T08:01:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe is often (more often than you'd think) dragged into debates about the monarchy. It's a bit of a sticky wicket. I'm a rank sentimentalist, and I think the traditional ties between Canada and Britain have true symbolic value, providing a sense of continuity to our nation's roots. They are our collective history and should not be arbitrarily dismissed as "old-fashioned."

That being said, they are old-fashioned. Aside from being sentimental, I'm also democratic, and Canada is a modern democracy, without a codified class system, where people succeed by their own merit (theoretically at least). To pay allegiance to a hereditary monarch seems odd in such a system, and to be forever beholden to a foreign country seems destined to keep us from true self-determination.

Both sides of the argument are predictable (which is why I don't like talk-radio call-in shows). What should Canada do? That depends. If a referendum was held now, I think the results would be close as they were in Australia - but that's because Elizabeth is still Queen and there are still veterans who fought for her father. Ask the same question if Charles was King and it would be a different matter. Ask again if Charles stepped aside and let William ascend as a photogenic boy-King, and it would be a different matter again.

As for me, my genealogy hobby led me to discover a Loyalist ancestor in the family, and I've become a card-carrying member of the United Empire Loyalist Association. I suppose sentiment would win over my personal opinion if there was a vote - there are bound to be enough on the other side to make it interesting.

Anyway, Happy 80th, Your Majesty.

Weaseling Out

2006-04-20T17:28:00.000-04:00

Over at Crapweasel, I'm bearing the brunt of my old pal Dave Tompkins' legendary wit. He can await my full response until I start podcasting in 2010. I'd like to offer you faithful readers a quote from Dave's final report as USC President at the University of Western Ontario:

"On Sunday September 8, 1996, Ben Thornton ... punched me in the face at the Ceeps."

Ten years later, Dave and I are old friends, and we both coincidentally have Google-searchable namesakes who are devoted naturists/nudists. I repeat: namesakes.

A Simple Plan

2006-04-20T15:29:00.000-04:00

I've oft-mentioned brother Pat in the Nine Inch Column's short history. Actor, comic, writer - sure, he's talented, but where would he be without an agent. Pat signed with an agent at Diamondfield Entertainment more than a year ago, and since then has found reasonable work in TV commercials and shows, live appearances, and some small movie roles. Nevertheless, he still represents the classic image of the "struggling actor" complete with a Bohemian apartment above a store and little in the way of folding money.

Kudos to his stick-to-it-iveness, but the real award for bravery goes to his agent, Lorne Perlmutar. You gotta admire a guy whose entire business plan involves taking home a sixth of what my kid brother does. It's not exactly going to be burning up Harvard Business School.

Easter Bunny

2006-04-17T15:48:00.000-04:00

A personal note today, faithful readers, about Easter chocolate. One of my favourites since I was a kid was Allan's chocolate rabbit, Mr. Solid. The "Easter Bunny" tried for a few years to replace the solid chocolate rabbits in my, and my siblings', baskets with upscale hollow ones from Laura Secord, but collectively, we rebelled and demanded the return of Mr. Solid. His name just said it all: solid. Reliable. A go-to guy. Substance over style. What you see is what you get. Looking up at you with his one good yellow candy eye, you knew he could be trusted.

Fast forward to the new millennium. The good people at Allan decided to update the packaging for Mr. Solid and his brethren, Messrs. Nutty, Fluffy, Munchy, and Fruit & Nut (all rather homo-erotic sounding, I'll admit), and I think mistakenly. The persona of Mr. Solid should never have been some Hercules-esque beefcake. Rather, I've always considered Mr. Solid akin to the Wolf from Pulp Fiction - the only one you need to call to get the job done.

Of course, in this case, the "job" is a dangerously elevated blood sugar level - but that's another story.

On Hazel McCallion

2006-04-16T10:14:00.000-04:00

Your humble scribe has had the pleasure of meeting Her Worship Hazel McCallion C.M. on a number of occasions. It's said in Mississauga that you're nobody until you've got in trouble with the Mayor. I've been in her office in such a predicament. I can report an unusual number of stuffed fish on the walls.

It's been long understood in this town that she is unstoppable. Prime Ministers and Premiers may come and go, but you can't mess with Hazel. Hell, you can try and run her over with a pick-up truck, but that just seems to make her stronger.

Well, no longer satisfied with the power associated with the Mayor's Office, Her Worship recently tried her hand at a new job: SWAT team negotiator.

From today's Toronto Star:

It's Mayor Hazel to the rescue
Apr. 16, 2006. 01:00 AM
SURYA
BHATTACHARYA
STAFF REPORTER
Sometimes all it takes to end a standoff in
the city of Mississauga is for the 85-year-old mayor to simply turn up.
"It's the mayor. Come on down," said Hazel McCallion to a man perched on a
roof with a rope around his neck and staring down heavily armed Peel tactical
officers.
"He waved at me and even blew me a kiss," said McCallion when she
arrived at the scene Thursday and ended a five-hour standoff between Peel police
and Thomas Moreno, 65.
Earlier in the day, City of Mississauga officials
arrived at Moreno's Port Credit home to clean the outside of his property,
because a city order to clean up the house was about to expire. But Moreno, who
is known locally as "Tom the junk collector," misunderstood the clean-up order,
thinking they were going to evict him and tear down his house, the Mississauga
News reported yesterday.
City officials confirmed there were never any plans
to demolish the house. They were following up on numerous complaints from Port Credit residents. McCallion, who received word of Moreno's protest while
attending a meeting, decided to negotiate personally at 4 p.m. Peel police were
called to the scene at Queen St. West, off Mississauga Rd., at 11 a.m. and tried
to talk to Moreno, but he just shouted obscenities.
I can only imagine what will come next. Ever mindful of her civic responsibilities, perhaps we'll see future headlines:
"Hazel McCallion Rescues Cat From Tree"
"Hazel McCallion Wins Canadian Idol and Sells Record Number of Girl Guide Cookies"
"Hazel McCallion To Singlehandedly Do Mississauga's Garbage Pick-up - 'Screw Brampton,' says Mayor' "
"Hazel McCallion Performs World's First Brain Transplant - While Negotiating Hostage Situation With Bank Robbers, Reviewing City's Snowplowing Budget, and Spinning Twelve Plates to Flight of the Bumblebees."
"Hazel McCallion Defends City From Supervillain - Not Stephen Harper, Actual Supervillain with a Death Ray and Kryptonite." (That one was easy, though - she just flew around the world making time go backwards.)
I kid you not - her license plate says MAYOR 1. Kinda sounds like the Batmobile to me.

Letter to the Star

2006-04-13T10:53:00.000-04:00

Faithful readers in the GTA may note that the subject of my last post made it into the Toronto Star today as a letter to the editor.

Black and white and read all over.

About Accountability

2006-04-11T20:41:00.000-04:00

The Harper government announced it's new government accountability legislation today. Some good some bad. Incidentally, faithful readers, you will notice that the Nine Inch Column reserves the right to bounce between personal announcements, international news, and editorial pieces with complete abandon.

But back to the issue at hand. One of the proposed rules bans Cabinet ministers and senior ministerial staff from becoming registered lobbyists for five years. On the surface, a harmless precaution designed to preserve the public trust, but in truth, I think it misses the point.

First, one of the commonly held truths in politics is that anyone good at their job could make more money doing something similar in the private sector. The government, ergo, pays a good wage, but arguably not an outrageous one, to attract qualified people. It's also understood that politics is a temporary gig, subject to renewal the next time we go to the polls, and that qualified public servants are required to put other careers on hold while they serve their country. This measure would seem to give qualified candidates (especially for non-elected positions) pause before taking a job in the public service if they're significantly handcuffed after the next election.

Secondly, this measure seems to strip the sitting government and its staff of their responsibility to the public trust as apparently they can't be trusted to comprehend the motives or political baggage of someone not yet five years out of a government job. If new Cabinet ministers or their staff can't be trusted to handle ex-government lobbyists without succumbing to some undue influence, how can they be trusted to deal effectively with other lobbyists from industry or special interest groups that may actually hold sway over significant blocks of voters. We should be electing people that can review all the information, wherever it comes from, and make the best decision for the long run. That's true accountability.

Third, this measure seems to reinforce the negative image that may exist that politicians and bureaucrats, whether still in office or not, simply cannot be trusted. and the truth is, for those who do have personal gain in mind, there will still be ways to beat the system. It's the honest ones who will have second thoughts.

Finally, it just seems illogical. We trust these people with the public good and state secrets of the highest order one day, and then the next we don't want to let them near the new people with the same jobs. If these people were truly interested in the public good they would continue to serve it, but carry a new business card. And if they weren't, they shouldnt have been in government in the first place.

That's where we should identify the bad apples - before they get in. We shouldn't assume that the system inevitably creates them.

Really Big Show

2006-04-10T09:17:00.000-04:00

Last night was the big 100th Sunday Night Live show at the Winter Garden Theatre. A great turnout (600-700 people), and great guest hosts - the most surprising of whom was Toronto Argonaut John Avery. He could have a second career on the stage. His comedic timing is impeccable. The various guest hosts (Sean Cullen, Colin Mochrie, Don Ferguson, Lucy Decoutere) appeared on stage first to remind the crowd it was a charity event, and then one by one espoused the benefits of various fictional charities - Shoes for the Hungry, World Laservision, etc. When it was Avery's turn, he said they were raising funds for the CFL: "You can sponsor me for as little as 13 cents a day."

Colin Mochrie wrote a touching piece for the Star promoting the show, which was in fact a fundraiser for the Heart and Stroke Foundation.

I ran into a good friend of mine, too - Michael Rubinoff, who produced the show.

The Centre of the Universe

2006-04-08T14:29:00.000-04:00

If the question of your humble scribe's politics were to come up, the answer would be big-L and little-l Liberal. I'm not a fanatic, or a zealot; if anything, I'm a centrist. The Liberal Party, at least federally, bridges the gap between the well-intentioned but publicly expensive policies of the NDP on the left, and the well-intentioned but publicly expensive policies of the Conservatives on the right. It has seemed that the natural ruling party tend to appeal to people's sense of compromise. How wonderfully, typically Canadian.

Of course, common sense and fair play are also typically Canadian, and so this January, after more than a dozen years, they decided it was someone else's turn - temporarily. It's always temporary. It just depends how long temporary lasts.

But this is old news. What's new news (if that's not redundant), is the announcement (or rumour thereof) of several candidates for the Liberal leadership. Smart people, most of them - but I can't help but notice the strong Toronto area representation - Michael Ignatieff, Gerard Kennedy, Bob Rae, maybe Ken Dryden, maybe others.

Coming from T.O.'s more successful neighbour, Mississauga, I'm not discouraged by the amount of local representation in the race. I am, however, wary of how it will appear to the Rest of Canada (there is, you see, a ROC that applies to Toronto, not just Quebec). Of course it's natural that the nation's greatest concentration of anything (including leadership candidates) would be found in the nation's largest city, but it doesn't help disprove the views in Quebec or out west that the Grits are as concerned with them as they need to be.

I know Ignatieff has already addressed the need for better relations with small-town and rural Canada, and I hope it can be done. In any case, it should make for an interesting race.

Mr. Chesterton and Mr. Harper

2006-04-06T14:37:00.000-04:00

Someone described the rotund British novelist G.K. Chesterton one time as "a man of infinite vest." Note, faithful readers, I quote this from memory, foregoing even a simple Google search to confirm the quote's veracity or source. Likewise, I seem to recall that the G.K. stands for Gilbert Keith - but I'm not entirely sure, but I will resist checking until after this column is posted. Sometimes one has to commit to an anecdote. Here at the Nine Inch Column, we are not afraid to work without a net.

This column, however, is not about Mr. Chesterton, or my own journalistic work ethic, but rather about a big man in a vest - our own Prime Minister Stephen Harper, photographed recently on the battlefields of Afghanistan and the jungles of Mexico in some Tilleyesque khaki affair. Immediately, the media jumped on the poor man for both his fashion sense (highlighted against the tropical ease displayed by the linen-clad Vicente Fox and G.W. Bush - and i know what those stand for), and his expanding girth.

You should know, faithful readers, that I am no fan of Stephen Harper, or his party, but I can't help feeling a little sympathetic for the man. For you see, your humble scribe is one of those unlucky souls who occasionally finds himself fluctuating between pants sizes, and I certainly don't like it being brought to my attention when I do fluctuate up instead of down. Sure, we could poke fun at the man for his weight, but wouldn't it be better to continue poking fun at things that matter, like his shady Cabinet appointments, his daycare platform, his foreign relations policy, and his constitutional skill?

Here is where the Nine Inch Column resists the urge to use a "chew the fat" joke.

There's No Business Like Show Business

2006-04-05T21:53:00.000-04:00

This is a personal appeal, faithful readers, on behalf of the truly talented member of my family, my brother Pat. You may have seen him recently at your local movie house in the trailer for the upcoming Trailer Park Boys movie, or, giving former Prime Minister Paul Martin the "headshake heard 'round the world".

An actor/comic/playwright/screenwriter/director/producer among other things (I think impresario is not too strong a word), his main, if not most profitable focus, is his sketch troupe The Sketchersons and their weekly live show Sunday Night Live.

This Sunday, the 9th, the show is marking its 100th episode (112th technically, but who's counting?) with a big show at the historic Winter Garden Theatre. For details how you might be a part of history, visit the Sketchersons' website. Guest stars will include such Canadian comedy luminaries as Colin Mochrie, Don Ferguson, and Sean Cullen - and all proceeds go to the Heart and Stroke Foundation.

Don't delay. Act today. Tell them the Nine Inch Column sent you. It won't get you a discount, but it will make me feel like a big man.

Smelling Like Roses

2006-04-03T22:23:00.000-04:00

On Friday night last, faithful readers, your humble scribe got all dolled up to go and represent the Mississauga Arts Council at the Mississauga Board of Trade's 29th Annual Chairman's Dinner. It takes longer to read that last line than it did for me to tie a Windsor knot. All the usual local dignitaries were there: the Mayor, City Manager, Councillors, MPP's, business leaders, community leaders, oh, and waiters to deliver the food and drinks. The keynote speaker was Mike "Pinball" Clemons who delivered as good and genuine a motivational speech as I've heard in years, and whose wife Diane provided musical entertainment with a band called Zoma, and was quite good herself. The event was MC'ed by CityTV's Gord Martineau, who arrived late, and generally failed to engage the audience, when he wasn't trying to name drop or pander. I much prefer Gord Martinhole.

I was able to speak to some of the people running the Riverwood Campaign. The fundraising and sponsorship have been tough sells, and the delays have gotten some of them into a bit of hot water with some of the elected powers-that-be, so I proposed a fundraising idea of my own, and thematically appropriate to boot.

It goes like this: buy bags of manure at a few dollars a piece, but sell them as sponsorship opportunities for $100 a bag, and invite citizens and businesspeople to come out and "Shovel --it Like A Politician." (The self-censorship applied here is for the benefit of the proposed fundraising poster or flyer, not for the Nine Inch Column - I can write bad words if I want).

The only guarantee I offered was that the campaign would make the front page of the Mississauga News. I can't really predict how many people would (a) pay the $100, or (b) come out and shovel manure.

Here at the Nine Inch Column, we're in the ideas business.

The Burden of Command

2006-03-30T12:56:00.000-05:00

Your humble scribe is pleased to announce that last night, at the Annual General Meeting of the Mississauga Arts Council, he was designated as the new President and Chair of the Board. Technically, the official appointment will take place at our next Board meeting this coming Tuesday with the election of executive officers, but as I was VP, and the President retired yesterday, and no-one else (ominously perhaps) has indicated interest, I assume responsibilities, such as they are, in the interim, or interregnum.

Lamentably, I have not been able to convince anyone that it is their duty to take a bullet for me. I have begun to refer to my car as Pontiac One.

This is MAC's 25th year, and it should be a noteworthy one. The creation of a new Arts Volunteer of the Year Award named for my predecessor Bev Ryan was announced last night as well. Look for its first presentation this October at our annual Mississauga Arts Awards.

For those of you not intimately familiar with the arts in Mississauga, we are dealing with the ramifications of a report tabled by a special taskforce appointed by Mayor Hazel McCallion to review the scope of the city's arts funding and responsibilities. Heady stuff indeed - details can be found on MAC's website linked from this page. We're happy with the end result, but not everyone is, particularly some political heavy hitters. Further updates as events warrant.

Suffice to say for now that I'm wearing something of a bullseye.

In The Beginning

2006-03-27T19:18:00.000-05:00

Welcome, soon to be faithful readers, to this my Nine Inch Column. The more salacious among you may jump to conclusions about the name of this virtual document, but rest assured, no such vulgarities are intended. Rather, my small, seven year old computer monitor measures at roughly nine vertical inches of screen space. But that is certainly enough space to do what I need to do: entertain you. After all, it's not the size that matters, but how you use it.

I do a myriad of things in my professional and semi-professional life, but I also write occasionally. I am currently some 410 pages into my first novel (writing, that is, not reading), but before I began that project, I wrote (and continue to write) short humour. Several of these have found their way to websites you may know. The first piece I had published online was at The Big Jewel. It was not the first piece I submitted to them, but after a series of correspondence between your humble scribe and their editor Kurt Luchs worthy of Vincent and Theo Van Gogh, it was this piece that was finally selected. So, for your enjoyment I offer The Death Of Irony. Next came Time Travel For Fun And Profit, and then a move to the venerable McSweeney's, with a look at a typical campus activity board.

From there I found a regular home at the now defunct Facsimilation.com (and I hope editor Shawn Samac is doing well, whatever it is he's doing these days). There was discussion of a print version of Facsimilation, but it came to naught. Too bad, too - there were some good writers there. I may republish some of my work that appeared there at a later date.

By no means is this the complete Thornton canon, but an old adage in show business says, "always leave them wanting more." So be patient, dear readers. I am developing a new site to showcase some of my short humour work, and the work of other talented Canadian writers. I have enlisted some technical help, to offset my own severe technological shortcomings, and it should be up and running soon. Naturally, you'll be the first to know, as I know you'll be among our biggest supporters.

What I can share with you now is an idea: ShoHu. Short Humour. Remember that you heard it here first. There are any number of sites dedicated to this art form, but before now there has not been an appropriate abbreviation. Think CanLit, sitcom, sci-fi, that sort of thing. Handy, isn't it? Trust me - get in on the ground floor now.