A Blade Runner Christmas
Just to take the edge of all that holiday cheer, the Nine Inch Column offers something a little more dystopian. And so, with apologies to Philip K. Dick (and his Voight-Kampff machine) I offer something from my personal ShoHu archives.
A BLADE RUNNER CHRISTMAS
Or, Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sugarplums?
The North Pole, December 2019
Santa Claus stands alone in a small room, smoking a pipe. A table and chair are the room's only furnishings. There is a plate of cookies and a pitcher of milk with two upturned glasses on the table.
Intercom: Next subject, Von Happykringle, Leon. Elf, Sleigh-packing, file section: new helpers, six days.
Santa: [Hears knock on the door] Come in. [Pause] Sit down.
[Leon comes in]
Leon: Care if I talk? I'm kind of nervous when I take tests.
Santa: Uh, just please don't move.
Leon: Oh, sorry. I had an IQ test this year. I don't think I've ever had one of these.
Santa: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.
Leon: Sure.
Santa: One-One-Eight-Seven Candy Cane Lane.
Leon: That's in the elf district.
Santa: What?
Leon: Where I live.
Santa: Nice place?
Leon: Yeah, sure, I guess - that part of the test?
Santa: No, just warming you up, that's all.
Leon: Oh. It's not fancy or anything.
Santa: You're at the Pole, walking along in the snow when all of a sudden...
Leon: [Interrupting Santa] Which one?
Santa: What?
Leon: Which Pole?
Santa: It doesn't make any difference which Pole. It's completely hypothetical.
Leon: But how come I'd be there?
Santa: Maybe you're fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Who knows? You look down and you see a penguin, Leon. It's waddling toward you.
Leon: Penguin, what's that?
Santa: Sort of a black and white turkey. They don't fly, but they swim.
Leon: I've never seen a penguin. [Pause] But I understand what you mean.
Santa: You reach down and knock the penguin over, Leon.
Leon: Do you make up these questions, Santa, or do they write them down for you?
Santa: The penguin lays on it's back, flapping it's silly flightless wings, waving it's little feet, but it can't get back up without your help. But you're not helping.
Leon: What do you mean I'm not helping?
Santa: I mean, you're not helping. Why is that, Leon? [Pause] They're just questions, Leon. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. [Pause] Shall we continue? [Leon nods] Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about....Christmas.
Leon: Christmas?
Santa: Yeah.
Leon: Let me tell you about Christmas...
[A shot is fired]
A BLADE RUNNER CHRISTMAS
Or, Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sugarplums?
The North Pole, December 2019
Santa Claus stands alone in a small room, smoking a pipe. A table and chair are the room's only furnishings. There is a plate of cookies and a pitcher of milk with two upturned glasses on the table.
Intercom: Next subject, Von Happykringle, Leon. Elf, Sleigh-packing, file section: new helpers, six days.
Santa: [Hears knock on the door] Come in. [Pause] Sit down.
[Leon comes in]
Leon: Care if I talk? I'm kind of nervous when I take tests.
Santa: Uh, just please don't move.
Leon: Oh, sorry. I had an IQ test this year. I don't think I've ever had one of these.
Santa: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.
Leon: Sure.
Santa: One-One-Eight-Seven Candy Cane Lane.
Leon: That's in the elf district.
Santa: What?
Leon: Where I live.
Santa: Nice place?
Leon: Yeah, sure, I guess - that part of the test?
Santa: No, just warming you up, that's all.
Leon: Oh. It's not fancy or anything.
Santa: You're at the Pole, walking along in the snow when all of a sudden...
Leon: [Interrupting Santa] Which one?
Santa: What?
Leon: Which Pole?
Santa: It doesn't make any difference which Pole. It's completely hypothetical.
Leon: But how come I'd be there?
Santa: Maybe you're fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Who knows? You look down and you see a penguin, Leon. It's waddling toward you.
Leon: Penguin, what's that?
Santa: Sort of a black and white turkey. They don't fly, but they swim.
Leon: I've never seen a penguin. [Pause] But I understand what you mean.
Santa: You reach down and knock the penguin over, Leon.
Leon: Do you make up these questions, Santa, or do they write them down for you?
Santa: The penguin lays on it's back, flapping it's silly flightless wings, waving it's little feet, but it can't get back up without your help. But you're not helping.
Leon: What do you mean I'm not helping?
Santa: I mean, you're not helping. Why is that, Leon? [Pause] They're just questions, Leon. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. [Pause] Shall we continue? [Leon nods] Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about....Christmas.
Leon: Christmas?
Santa: Yeah.
Leon: Let me tell you about Christmas...
[A shot is fired]
posted by Benjamin Thornton at 9:59 a.m.
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