Wednesday, December 09, 2009

A Blade Runner Christmas

Just to take the edge of all that holiday cheer, the Nine Inch Column offers something a little more dystopian. And so, with apologies to Philip K. Dick (and his Voight-Kampff machine) I offer something from my personal ShoHu archives.

A BLADE RUNNER CHRISTMAS

Or, Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sugarplums?

The North Pole, December 2019

Santa Claus stands alone in a small room, smoking a pipe. A table and chair are the room's only furnishings. There is a plate of cookies and a pitcher of milk with two upturned glasses on the table.

Intercom: Next subject, Von Happykringle, Leon. Elf, Sleigh-packing, file section: new helpers, six days.

Santa: [Hears knock on the door] Come in. [Pause] Sit down.
[Leon comes in]

Leon: Care if I talk? I'm kind of nervous when I take tests.

Santa: Uh, just please don't move.

Leon: Oh, sorry. I had an IQ test this year. I don't think I've ever had one of these.

Santa: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.

Leon: Sure.

Santa: One-One-Eight-Seven Candy Cane Lane.

Leon: That's in the elf district.

Santa: What?

Leon: Where I live.

Santa: Nice place?

Leon: Yeah, sure, I guess - that part of the test?

Santa: No, just warming you up, that's all.

Leon: Oh. It's not fancy or anything.

Santa: You're at the Pole, walking along in the snow when all of a sudden...

Leon: [Interrupting Santa] Which one?

Santa: What?

Leon: Which Pole?

Santa: It doesn't make any difference which Pole. It's completely hypothetical.

Leon: But how come I'd be there?

Santa: Maybe you're fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Who knows? You look down and you see a penguin, Leon. It's waddling toward you.

Leon: Penguin, what's that?

Santa: Sort of a black and white turkey. They don't fly, but they swim.

Leon: I've never seen a penguin. [Pause] But I understand what you mean.

Santa: You reach down and knock the penguin over, Leon.

Leon: Do you make up these questions, Santa, or do they write them down for you?

Santa: The penguin lays on it's back, flapping it's silly flightless wings, waving it's little feet, but it can't get back up without your help. But you're not helping.

Leon: What do you mean I'm not helping?

Santa: I mean, you're not helping. Why is that, Leon? [Pause] They're just questions, Leon. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. [Pause] Shall we continue? [Leon nods] Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about....Christmas.

Leon: Christmas?

Santa: Yeah.

Leon: Let me tell you about Christmas...

[A shot is fired]


0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home