More ShoHu

Faithful readers such as yourself will come to appreciate that Monday is ShoHu Day. This week's offering (updated yesterday) is by the inimitable Pat Thornton.

They say write what you know. As a comedian, he has. Enjoy a glimpse into his personal neurosis.

Oh, and if you would be so kind as to sign the ShoHu petition.

714

Your humble scribe is not an overly rabid sports fan, but since baseball is certainly top of my list, I feel I must take a moment to acknowledge the news this weekend that Barry Bonds hit his 714th home run to tie Babe Ruth's position in second on the all-time list.

Much controversy surrounds Bonds' success, perhaps most notably his link to and use of performance-enhancing steroids. I certainly don't condone the use of steroids. I used to coach little league ball and I believe it's tough to instill a fair play attitude in kids when the stars of the game are bending the rules, tougher still for varsity and semi-pro coaches whose players might be tempted to do whatever it takes to gain an edge. But put the role-model argument aside for a discussion among sports fans.

One of the favourite pastimes of ball fans and sportswriters is to make comparisons between the stars of today and the greats of yesterday. Consider all the 'all-time' fantasy teams that periodically show up in newspapers and magazines. In some ways, it's easy enough when looking at raw numbers (hits, runs batted in, strikeouts - whatever), but any fan and any statistician will tell you the important intangible is relativity. The historical numbers for winning pitchers that predated four or five day rotations, or the use of relief pitchers, cannot be compared easily to the numbers put up by today's hurlers. For hitters, even the physical properties of the ball itself have changed over the decades, along with pitching, coaching and training styles.

Basically, when the numbers are beyond argument, it is the context in which each player lived and played that truly determines their historical impact. For some, the context of Bonds' numbers are that they were artificially created by steroid use. Is he better than Babe Ruth? I don't know, but the context of Ruth's playing years needs to be considered as well. A famous drunkard, what might the Babe's output have been if he never played a game under the influence or with a hangover? Of course we'll never know, and the barroom debates will continue.

But in the meantime, congratulations to Mr. Bonds. He's reached a remarkable milestone. I, however, will always have a soft spot for Frank Baker, who played primarily for the Philadelphia Athletics in the first two decades of the twentieth century. He hit 96 home runs over 13 seasons, and never more than 12 in one year, but is memorialized forever as "Home Run" Baker.

The Searchers Part II

Once again, a comment on the varied ways visitors come by this site. There have been more Hazel McCallion searches (indeed, for a search of Hazel McCallion, Google ranked the Nine Inch Column at 23rd out of some 50,200 results, closely behind traditional government and news sites). One might mistake the Column for a fan site, or worse, a comprehensive resource. Today she was monitoring the helicopter bug bombing going on in some parts of Mississauga. Yes, it's true. Hazel McCallion now has Airborne Cavalry. You won't find that statement on the big news sites.

I love the smell of napalm in the morning.

But, Hazel and Hueys aside, there were other searches. In what could be a classic case of mistaken identities, someone else punched in 'actor Ben Thornton'. I never did figure out if they were looking for me, or this other Ben Thornton. I can only guess, but I did notice that I'm not listed at Teen Idols 4 You.

Nuts.

Transition

Your humble scribe has been a little melancholy these past few days as a result of the finale of The West Wing. I suppose part of it is that I can no longer hide from the reality that George W. Bush, and not Josiah Bartlet, is actually the President of the United States. But for a while there it was nice to imagine that the fate of the free world rested in the hands of a wise, temperate, philosopher king like Jed Bartlet, rather than...you know. There are other blogs better dedicated to discussing the...you know, so we'll leave that alone for now.

Sigh...

But, the Nine Inch Column must remain strong. Someone must think of the children.

The Searchers

Good Monday, faithful readers - a reminder that a new Monday means new ShoHu. And, yet another reminder to sign our petition.

Have you got a moment for a maudlin story? Good. This week's shohu is by an old friend of mine, Michael Coyne. We went to elementary school together, but his family moved away after grade 6 and he ended up in Winnipeg, and, naturally, we lost track of each other. Now, fast forward 18 years and I get an email out of the blue. Yes, Google had rekindled another friendship. A mention of your humble scribe in the Mississauga News regarding my work with the Mississauga Arts Council was just the clue he needed to put two and two together.

Google's a funny thing. In tracking some of the traffic to the Nine Inch Column, I've discovered that Google has probably led a number of people here under false pretenses. One visitor came by way of a Google search for "Hazel McCallion standoff" while another was looking for "Mayor Hazel McCallion quote on leadership." It seems that the Nine Inch Column is turning into some sort of expert on Her Worship.

I know of at least one Mayor who might disagree.

Question Period

With apologies, faithful readers, the launch of ShoHu.ca has been a distraction from the Nine Inch Column. I confess a little disappointment that more of you have not yet signed our petition. There's a shiny new nickel in it for you.*

But in the meantime, rest assured your humble scribe has been keeping an eye on things and asking the tough questions.

For example, Stephen Harper's proposed crime legislation, which will necessitate the construction of new jails and prisons. How is it that our government has determined that there aren't enough people in prison?

Admittedly, there may not be enough people with jobs, or homes, or university educations, or enough family doctors, or skilled tradespeople, but is the number of people in prison really the societal benchmark we want to be raising (if in fact, "raising" is the correct idea, rather than "lowering")?

How about the brewing Michael Bryant/Clayton Ruby fight over pit bulls in Ontario? Could anyone not have forseen that banning dogs that even resemble pit bulls might be challenged in court?

Then there's ACTRA, which is asking the Ontario government for help in making sure actors can retire in dignity. A noble cause, perhaps, but if it weren't for broke, washed-up actors, we wouldn't have shows like The Surreal Life. Who would man our infomercials? I mean, if I was sitting in my pyjamas by the big picture window at the Troy McClure Home For Aged Thespians, warm, comfortable, with my financial concerns taken care of, why would I come out of retirement to box Screech from Saved By The Bell?

What's my motivation?


* there is no shiny new nickel - this is known in the humour business as a joke, or alternatively, a lie.

Birth Of A Notion

Today marks the official launch of ShoHu.ca - please take a visit and be sure to sign our petition to get "ShoHu" added to the dictionary. I've also added the appropriate links at the side. Please add them to your blog as well.

I have sent a message to the editor of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, and am in the process of notifying the media.

Here at the Nine Inch Column, we're in the history-making business.

May The Fourth Be With You

Today is my brother Matt's birthday. I couldn't find anything on Google about him personally (he tends to fly under the radar), so this Matthew Thornton will have to do. Today also marks probably the 25th year in a row I've made the same joke (May The Fourth Be With You) on his birthday card.

In other news, faithful readers, you'll be pleased to know that Mississauga has today survived a small earthquake - and I'm not talking about Stephen Harper's budget.

A bad joke, admittedly, but how do they get away with jokes that bad on Air Farce or 22 Minutes or Rick Mercer? And rest assured they do. Take Mercer for example. His show started out strong, borrowing from the very successful Daily Show format. But somewhere along the way it deteriorated into a travelogue. Mercer's funny, whatever he's doing, but certainly there must be enough fodder for a once-a-week intelligently funny political commentary. Granted, Canada doesn't have the same kind of 24-7 cable news coverage the U.S. does to provide the raw footage, and presumably the CBC wouldn't have the resources to wade through all that material even if it did exist. But nevertheless, if you're only doing it once a week...

It's not that Canadian political comedy shows fall short. Rather I get the sense that they are holding back, and I don't know why. But, since it's the current fashion, I'll blame Alberta.

Weeds

Mayday. Mayday. Get it? 'Cause today is...tax day. Nevermind.

However, income tax return preparation has been one of the projects that has sidetracked your humble scribe from the Nine Inch Column this past week - a week that saw Hazel McCallion crash her car, Ken Dryden enter the Liberal leadership race, the expansion of NORAD, and the blossoming of dandelions in my front yard. Rest assured, I'll make up for lost time.

So, to resolve these issues as quickly as I can:

Hazel McCallion - get a driver. You're 85, mayor of the 6th largest city in Canada, and an electoral juggernaut, et cetera, et cetera. No-one will fault you for it. In fact, many will feel better - for your safety and their own.

Ken Dryden - you're sort of a weird footnote in Canadian politics. Good luck, I guess, but those who like goalies, respect lawyers, and follow politics are often very different people.

Stephen Harper - bad idea. I'm all for national defense, but what this cold war throwback really smacks of is American fear-mongering. And if it was the right thing to do, why the secrecy?

And to the dandelions, your time will come. Mark my words - your time will come.