Number Eight

Today was the day Bob Rae threw his hat into the ring for leader of the Liberal party, along side old college roommate Michael Ignatieff and half-a-dozen others. The commentary, predictably, has wavered back and forth between vitriol ("Look what he did to Ontario when he was Premier!") and grudging respect for the elder stateman role he's played in recent years (Air India Commission, Ontario Post-Secondary Education Commission, etc.).

The Nine Inch Column is not quite ready to back one horse over the others yet, faithful readers, but I suppose in Mr. Rae's defence I'll offer what Winston Churchill (or Bernard Shaw, or Benjamin Disraeli, or somebody else entirely) said: "If a man's not a socialist when he's 25, he's got no heart. If he's still a socialist when he's 35, he's got no head."

What I do like about what he's said is that the Liberal Party is and should be one free of ideological extremes. Deep down, we're a nation of centrists. I like it in the middle. It's cozy.

Killer Queen

Your humble scribe is often (more often than you'd think) dragged into debates about the monarchy. It's a bit of a sticky wicket. I'm a rank sentimentalist, and I think the traditional ties between Canada and Britain have true symbolic value, providing a sense of continuity to our nation's roots. They are our collective history and should not be arbitrarily dismissed as "old-fashioned."

That being said, they are old-fashioned. Aside from being sentimental, I'm also democratic, and Canada is a modern democracy, without a codified class system, where people succeed by their own merit (theoretically at least). To pay allegiance to a hereditary monarch seems odd in such a system, and to be forever beholden to a foreign country seems destined to keep us from true self-determination.

Both sides of the argument are predictable (which is why I don't like talk-radio call-in shows). What should Canada do? That depends. If a referendum was held now, I think the results would be close as they were in Australia - but that's because Elizabeth is still Queen and there are still veterans who fought for her father. Ask the same question if Charles was King and it would be a different matter. Ask again if Charles stepped aside and let William ascend as a photogenic boy-King, and it would be a different matter again.

As for me, my genealogy hobby led me to discover a Loyalist ancestor in the family, and I've become a card-carrying member of the United Empire Loyalist Association. I suppose sentiment would win over my personal opinion if there was a vote - there are bound to be enough on the other side to make it interesting.

Anyway, Happy 80th, Your Majesty.

Weaseling Out

Over at Crapweasel, I'm bearing the brunt of my old pal Dave Tompkins' legendary wit. He can await my full response until I start podcasting in 2010. I'd like to offer you faithful readers a quote from Dave's final report as USC President at the University of Western Ontario:

"On Sunday September 8, 1996, Ben Thornton ... punched me in the face at the Ceeps."

Ten years later, Dave and I are old friends, and we both coincidentally have Google-searchable namesakes who are devoted naturists/nudists. I repeat: namesakes.

A Simple Plan

I've oft-mentioned brother Pat in the Nine Inch Column's short history. Actor, comic, writer - sure, he's talented, but where would he be without an agent. Pat signed with an agent at Diamondfield Entertainment more than a year ago, and since then has found reasonable work in TV commercials and shows, live appearances, and some small movie roles. Nevertheless, he still represents the classic image of the "struggling actor" complete with a Bohemian apartment above a store and little in the way of folding money.

Kudos to his stick-to-it-iveness, but the real award for bravery goes to his agent, Lorne Perlmutar. You gotta admire a guy whose entire business plan involves taking home a sixth of what my kid brother does. It's not exactly going to be burning up Harvard Business School.

Easter Bunny

A personal note today, faithful readers, about Easter chocolate. One of my favourites since I was a kid was Allan's chocolate rabbit, Mr. Solid. The "Easter Bunny" tried for a few years to replace the solid chocolate rabbits in my, and my siblings', baskets with upscale hollow ones from Laura Secord, but collectively, we rebelled and demanded the return of Mr. Solid. His name just said it all: solid. Reliable. A go-to guy. Substance over style. What you see is what you get. Looking up at you with his one good yellow candy eye, you knew he could be trusted.

Fast forward to the new millennium. The good people at Allan decided to update the packaging for Mr. Solid and his brethren, Messrs. Nutty, Fluffy, Munchy, and Fruit & Nut (all rather homo-erotic sounding, I'll admit), and I think mistakenly. The persona of Mr. Solid should never have been some Hercules-esque beefcake. Rather, I've always considered Mr. Solid akin to the Wolf from Pulp Fiction - the only one you need to call to get the job done.

Of course, in this case, the "job" is a dangerously elevated blood sugar level - but that's another story.

On Hazel McCallion

Your humble scribe has had the pleasure of meeting Her Worship Hazel McCallion C.M. on a number of occasions. It's said in Mississauga that you're nobody until you've got in trouble with the Mayor. I've been in her office in such a predicament. I can report an unusual number of stuffed fish on the walls.

It's been long understood in this town that she is unstoppable. Prime Ministers and Premiers may come and go, but you can't mess with Hazel. Hell, you can try and run her over with a pick-up truck, but that just seems to make her stronger.

Well, no longer satisfied with the power associated with the Mayor's Office, Her Worship recently tried her hand at a new job: SWAT team negotiator.

From today's Toronto Star:

It's Mayor Hazel to the rescue
Apr. 16, 2006. 01:00 AM
SURYA
BHATTACHARYA
STAFF REPORTER
Sometimes all it takes to end a standoff in
the city of Mississauga is for the 85-year-old mayor to simply turn up.
"It's the mayor. Come on down," said Hazel McCallion to a man perched on a
roof with a rope around his neck and staring down heavily armed Peel tactical
officers.
"He waved at me and even blew me a kiss," said McCallion when she
arrived at the scene Thursday and ended a five-hour standoff between Peel police
and Thomas Moreno, 65.
Earlier in the day, City of Mississauga officials
arrived at Moreno's Port Credit home to clean the outside of his property,
because a city order to clean up the house was about to expire. But Moreno, who
is known locally as "Tom the junk collector," misunderstood the clean-up order,
thinking they were going to evict him and tear down his house, the Mississauga
News reported yesterday.
City officials confirmed there were never any plans
to demolish the house. They were following up on numerous complaints from Port Credit residents. McCallion, who received word of Moreno's protest while
attending a meeting, decided to negotiate personally at 4 p.m. Peel police were
called to the scene at Queen St. West, off Mississauga Rd., at 11 a.m. and tried
to talk to Moreno, but he just shouted obscenities.

I can only imagine what will come next. Ever mindful of her civic responsibilities, perhaps we'll see future headlines:

"Hazel McCallion Rescues Cat From Tree"

"Hazel McCallion Wins Canadian Idol and Sells Record Number of Girl Guide Cookies"

"Hazel McCallion To Singlehandedly Do Mississauga's Garbage Pick-up - 'Screw Brampton,' says Mayor' "

"Hazel McCallion Performs World's First Brain Transplant - While Negotiating Hostage Situation With Bank Robbers, Reviewing City's Snowplowing Budget, and Spinning Twelve Plates to Flight of the Bumblebees."

"Hazel McCallion Defends City From Supervillain - Not Stephen Harper, Actual Supervillain with a Death Ray and Kryptonite." (That one was easy, though - she just flew around the world making time go backwards.)

I kid you not - her license plate says MAYOR 1. Kinda sounds like the Batmobile to me.

Letter to the Star

Faithful readers in the GTA may note that the subject of my last post made it into the Toronto Star today as a letter to the editor.

Black and white and read all over.

About Accountability

The Harper government announced it's new government accountability legislation today. Some good some bad. Incidentally, faithful readers, you will notice that the Nine Inch Column reserves the right to bounce between personal announcements, international news, and editorial pieces with complete abandon.

But back to the issue at hand. One of the proposed rules bans Cabinet ministers and senior ministerial staff from becoming registered lobbyists for five years. On the surface, a harmless precaution designed to preserve the public trust, but in truth, I think it misses the point.

First, one of the commonly held truths in politics is that anyone good at their job could make more money doing something similar in the private sector. The government, ergo, pays a good wage, but arguably not an outrageous one, to attract qualified people. It's also understood that politics is a temporary gig, subject to renewal the next time we go to the polls, and that qualified public servants are required to put other careers on hold while they serve their country. This measure would seem to give qualified candidates (especially for non-elected positions) pause before taking a job in the public service if they're significantly handcuffed after the next election.

Secondly, this measure seems to strip the sitting government and its staff of their responsibility to the public trust as apparently they can't be trusted to comprehend the motives or political baggage of someone not yet five years out of a government job. If new Cabinet ministers or their staff can't be trusted to handle ex-government lobbyists without succumbing to some undue influence, how can they be trusted to deal effectively with other lobbyists from industry or special interest groups that may actually hold sway over significant blocks of voters. We should be electing people that can review all the information, wherever it comes from, and make the best decision for the long run. That's true accountability.

Third, this measure seems to reinforce the negative image that may exist that politicians and bureaucrats, whether still in office or not, simply cannot be trusted. and the truth is, for those who do have personal gain in mind, there will still be ways to beat the system. It's the honest ones who will have second thoughts.

Finally, it just seems illogical. We trust these people with the public good and state secrets of the highest order one day, and then the next we don't want to let them near the new people with the same jobs. If these people were truly interested in the public good they would continue to serve it, but carry a new business card. And if they weren't, they shouldnt have been in government in the first place.

That's where we should identify the bad apples - before they get in. We shouldn't assume that the system inevitably creates them.

Really Big Show

Last night was the big 100th Sunday Night Live show at the Winter Garden Theatre. A great turnout (600-700 people), and great guest hosts - the most surprising of whom was Toronto Argonaut John Avery. He could have a second career on the stage. His comedic timing is impeccable. The various guest hosts (Sean Cullen, Colin Mochrie, Don Ferguson, Lucy Decoutere) appeared on stage first to remind the crowd it was a charity event, and then one by one espoused the benefits of various fictional charities - Shoes for the Hungry, World Laservision, etc. When it was Avery's turn, he said they were raising funds for the CFL: "You can sponsor me for as little as 13 cents a day."

Colin Mochrie wrote a touching piece for the Star promoting the show, which was in fact a fundraiser for the Heart and Stroke Foundation.

I ran into a good friend of mine, too - Michael Rubinoff, who produced the show.

The Centre of the Universe

If the question of your humble scribe's politics were to come up, the answer would be big-L and little-l Liberal. I'm not a fanatic, or a zealot; if anything, I'm a centrist. The Liberal Party, at least federally, bridges the gap between the well-intentioned but publicly expensive policies of the NDP on the left, and the well-intentioned but publicly expensive policies of the Conservatives on the right. It has seemed that the natural ruling party tend to appeal to people's sense of compromise. How wonderfully, typically Canadian.

Of course, common sense and fair play are also typically Canadian, and so this January, after more than a dozen years, they decided it was someone else's turn - temporarily. It's always temporary. It just depends how long temporary lasts.

But this is old news. What's new news (if that's not redundant), is the announcement (or rumour thereof) of several candidates for the Liberal leadership. Smart people, most of them - but I can't help but notice the strong Toronto area representation - Michael Ignatieff, Gerard Kennedy, Bob Rae, maybe Ken Dryden, maybe others.

Coming from T.O.'s more successful neighbour, Mississauga, I'm not discouraged by the amount of local representation in the race. I am, however, wary of how it will appear to the Rest of Canada (there is, you see, a ROC that applies to Toronto, not just Quebec). Of course it's natural that the nation's greatest concentration of anything (including leadership candidates) would be found in the nation's largest city, but it doesn't help disprove the views in Quebec or out west that the Grits are as concerned with them as they need to be.

I know Ignatieff has already addressed the need for better relations with small-town and rural Canada, and I hope it can be done. In any case, it should make for an interesting race.

Mr. Chesterton and Mr. Harper

Someone described the rotund British novelist G.K. Chesterton one time as "a man of infinite vest." Note, faithful readers, I quote this from memory, foregoing even a simple Google search to confirm the quote's veracity or source. Likewise, I seem to recall that the G.K. stands for Gilbert Keith - but I'm not entirely sure, but I will resist checking until after this column is posted. Sometimes one has to commit to an anecdote. Here at the Nine Inch Column, we are not afraid to work without a net.

This column, however, is not about Mr. Chesterton, or my own journalistic work ethic, but rather about a big man in a vest - our own Prime Minister Stephen Harper, photographed recently on the battlefields of Afghanistan and the jungles of Mexico in some Tilleyesque khaki affair. Immediately, the media jumped on the poor man for both his fashion sense (highlighted against the tropical ease displayed by the linen-clad Vicente Fox and G.W. Bush - and i know what those stand for), and his expanding girth.

You should know, faithful readers, that I am no fan of Stephen Harper, or his party, but I can't help feeling a little sympathetic for the man. For you see, your humble scribe is one of those unlucky souls who occasionally finds himself fluctuating between pants sizes, and I certainly don't like it being brought to my attention when I do fluctuate up instead of down. Sure, we could poke fun at the man for his weight, but wouldn't it be better to continue poking fun at things that matter, like his shady Cabinet appointments, his daycare platform, his foreign relations policy, and his constitutional skill?

Here is where the Nine Inch Column resists the urge to use a "chew the fat" joke.

There's No Business Like Show Business

This is a personal appeal, faithful readers, on behalf of the truly talented member of my family, my brother Pat. You may have seen him recently at your local movie house in the trailer for the upcoming Trailer Park Boys movie, or, giving former Prime Minister Paul Martin the "headshake heard 'round the world".

An actor/comic/playwright/screenwriter/director/producer among other things (I think impresario is not too strong a word), his main, if not most profitable focus, is his sketch troupe The Sketchersons and their weekly live show Sunday Night Live.

This Sunday, the 9th, the show is marking its 100th episode (112th technically, but who's counting?) with a big show at the historic Winter Garden Theatre. For details how you might be a part of history, visit the Sketchersons' website. Guest stars will include such Canadian comedy luminaries as Colin Mochrie, Don Ferguson, and Sean Cullen - and all proceeds go to the Heart and Stroke Foundation.

Don't delay. Act today. Tell them the Nine Inch Column sent you. It won't get you a discount, but it will make me feel like a big man.

Smelling Like Roses

On Friday night last, faithful readers, your humble scribe got all dolled up to go and represent the Mississauga Arts Council at the Mississauga Board of Trade's 29th Annual Chairman's Dinner. It takes longer to read that last line than it did for me to tie a Windsor knot. All the usual local dignitaries were there: the Mayor, City Manager, Councillors, MPP's, business leaders, community leaders, oh, and waiters to deliver the food and drinks. The keynote speaker was Mike "Pinball" Clemons who delivered as good and genuine a motivational speech as I've heard in years, and whose wife Diane provided musical entertainment with a band called Zoma, and was quite good herself. The event was MC'ed by CityTV's Gord Martineau, who arrived late, and generally failed to engage the audience, when he wasn't trying to name drop or pander. I much prefer Gord Martinhole.

I was able to speak to some of the people running the Riverwood Campaign. The fundraising and sponsorship have been tough sells, and the delays have gotten some of them into a bit of hot water with some of the elected powers-that-be, so I proposed a fundraising idea of my own, and thematically appropriate to boot.

It goes like this: buy bags of manure at a few dollars a piece, but sell them as sponsorship opportunities for $100 a bag, and invite citizens and businesspeople to come out and "Shovel --it Like A Politician." (The self-censorship applied here is for the benefit of the proposed fundraising poster or flyer, not for the Nine Inch Column - I can write bad words if I want).

The only guarantee I offered was that the campaign would make the front page of the Mississauga News. I can't really predict how many people would (a) pay the $100, or (b) come out and shovel manure.

Here at the Nine Inch Column, we're in the ideas business.